Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 58)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 58 of 76

1. Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47357

2. What?

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47359

3. Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47363

4. Oh. Come to reason with me?

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47375

5. Get lost.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47377

6. What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47380

7. If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47384

8. In. I'm hungry.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47395

9. Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.

   Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47397

10. This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47399

11. Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's 'Nobody's perfect.' Nice stroke, Pam.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47422

12. I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47424

13. Any specific animal?

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47427

14. Don't say cow- Ugh.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47429

15. Sive drafely.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47438

16. They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47467

17. Hey, Andy.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47503

18. Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate...

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47505

19. Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all...

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47507

20. Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47536

21. Oh we know.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47562

22. Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47594

23. No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47596

24. Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47598

25. That's just absurd.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47639

26. Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47641

27. Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47644

28. Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47646

29. You think Jim's lying? That's so cute. I know he's lying.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47648

30. Done. I never touch a pregnant woman.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47650

31. If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47652

32. Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47654

33. Rule two: we stop at nothing.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47656

34. Rule three: Don't fall in love.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47658

35. We're gonna bust this guy.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47660

36. So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47662

37. None taken. What do you got?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47665

38. I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47701

39. Hmm?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47703

40. Just ugly enough to have deniability.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47705

41. Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47708

42. The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47711

43. With the crotch.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47713

44. Psst. We're not here.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47715

45. Exactly.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47717

46. Okay, just shut it.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47719

47. I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47721

48. Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47723

49. Time for me to find out.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47725

50. Just going to walk over here- whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to!

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47727

51. I'm fine, I'm totally fine.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47730

52. Yes? Wha- Jim.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47732

53. Aw, cramp, I'm just-

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47734

54. I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47736

55. Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47738

56. She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47755

57. And she called it nuts?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47757

58. Come on.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47768

59. Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47770

60. Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47774

61. We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47777

62. Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47779

63. Jim, are you serious?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47782

64. Okay, you're done.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47794

65. Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47796

66. Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47798

67. Yep, he's lying.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47800

68. I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47805

69. Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47807

70. Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47809

71. It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47814

72. It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47817

73. Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47820

74. But... hey, Cece's toothbrush.

    Season 8 · Episode 7 · Quote 47822

75. Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47872

76. Ha!

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47874

77. The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47875

78. Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47885

79. Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47930

80. ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47932

81. Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47934

82. The truth.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47936

83. No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47939

84. Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47941

85. Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47943

86. Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47945

87. Not by a long shot!

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47947

88. No, it was not!

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47950

89. No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47952

90. Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47954

91. Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47956

92. Excuse me, I got a question for you.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47972

93. Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47974

94. Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 47976

95. You said you weren't going to look back.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 48019

96. Really?

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 48025

97. Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 48027

98. YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 48030

99. Hallowed ground.

    Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 48034

100. I've seen enough.

     Season 8 · Episode 8 · Quote 48038