Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 58)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 58 of 76

1. Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please.

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2. What?

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3. Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.

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4. Oh. Come to reason with me?

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5. Get lost.

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6. What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.

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7. If you hit another horse, you've dug to far.

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8. In. I'm hungry.

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9. Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on.

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10. This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

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11. Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's 'Nobody's perfect.' Nice stroke, Pam.

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12. I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny.

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13. Any specific animal?

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14. Don't say cow- Ugh.

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15. Sive drafely.

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16. They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?

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17. Hey, Andy.

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18. Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate...

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19. Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all...

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20. Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.

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21. Oh we know.

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22. Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.

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23. No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.

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24. Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian.

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25. That's just absurd.

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26. Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on.

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27. Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.

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28. Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.

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29. You think Jim's lying? That's so cute. I know he's lying.

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30. Done. I never touch a pregnant woman.

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31. If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.

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32. Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.

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33. Rule two: we stop at nothing.

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34. Rule three: Don't fall in love.

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35. We're gonna bust this guy.

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36. So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.

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37. None taken. What do you got?

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38. I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer.

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39. Hmm?

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40. Just ugly enough to have deniability.

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41. Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body.

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42. The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there.

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43. With the crotch.

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44. Psst. We're not here.

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45. Exactly.

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46. Okay, just shut it.

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47. I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?

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48. Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.

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49. Time for me to find out.

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50. Just going to walk over here- whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to!

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51. I'm fine, I'm totally fine.

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52. Yes? Wha- Jim.

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53. Aw, cramp, I'm just-

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54. I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.

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55. Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

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56. She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.

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57. And she called it nuts?

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58. Come on.

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59. Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

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60. Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?

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61. We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.

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62. Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.

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63. Jim, are you serious?

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64. Okay, you're done.

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65. Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we?

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66. Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?

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67. Yep, he's lying.

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68. I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?

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69. Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.

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70. Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.

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71. It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-

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72. It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.

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73. Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?

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74. But... hey, Cece's toothbrush.

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75. Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.

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76. Ha!

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77. The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.

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78. Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.

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79. Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...

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80. ...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.

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81. Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.

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82. The truth.

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83. No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.

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84. Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.

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85. Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-

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86. Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?

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87. Not by a long shot!

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88. No, it was not!

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89. No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?

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90. Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!

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91. Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.

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92. Excuse me, I got a question for you.

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93. Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?

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94. Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?

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95. You said you weren't going to look back.

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96. Really?

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97. Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.

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98. YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.

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99. Hallowed ground.

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100. I've seen enough.

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