Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 56)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 56 of 76

1. Jo, may I speak to you for a second?

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2. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes, because I've learned so much from them. I'd like to be interviewed for the position.

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3. Okay.

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4. It's complicated.

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5. Assistant Regional Manager.

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6. Assistant Regional Manager.

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7. Assistant Regional Manager.

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8. Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo... It's me. I'm Dwight.

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9. Yeah.

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10. I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen!

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11. Yes.

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12. Silence?

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13. Dwight Schrute.

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14. You have to interview me...

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15. I demand more questions!

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16. Okay! If you're not going to interview me, then I'll do it.

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17. What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and... getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? That's a great question. I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing.

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18. Thank you. You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're gonna like the call you're going to receive. Oh, come on. I'm just happy that I got this meeting.

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19. Well, it's not entirely up to you, is it? Seems to me like someone's getting a little power-mad.

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20. What a surprise! Minorities sticking together.

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21. We're gonna miss you, Gabe.

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22. I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or... I don't know. Something always works out.

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23. No, I insist.

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24. K... Kevin!

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25. Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great.

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26. K, I'm gonna need some help. Pam?

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27. Hoist him aloft. C'mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl.

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28. Say no more.

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29. Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. 'Specially with me around.

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30. What are you looking at?

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31. It can't be nothing.

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32. Nice catch.

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33. Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?

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34. ' 2, 3!

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35. Okay, which side of the list am I on?

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36. Yes!

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37. This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an 'Alive' situation. No... that can't be it.

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38. Shhh, Pam. C'mon, don't be such a right-sider.

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39. No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list' ATTACK!

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40. That's great. Let's do this guys.

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41. You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?

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42. Okay!

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43. Losers.

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44. C'mon.

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45. C'mon, c'mon.

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46. C'mon.

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47. Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!

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48. Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.

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49. Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.

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50. Good night.

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51. Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast.

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52. God. How do whalers do it?

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53. Steak. Rare.

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54. One more. To our boss!

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55. You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure.

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56. I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please?

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57. Oh, tips are expected?

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58. Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl....

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59. Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

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60. Winners!

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61. This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet'.the Pyramid.

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62. So, you can tell your clients: 'Unleash the power of the pyramid.'

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63. Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.

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64. Fifty L.

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65. You're really going to want the booster.

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66. Thank you.

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67. Is this really the best use of our collective time?

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68. OK, let's look at some ties.

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69. Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.

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70. Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.

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71. We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house.

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72. Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie'? Lick the spoon?

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73. Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.

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74. Right?

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75. Good. Really really good.

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76. Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

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77. I don't know, what do you mean?

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78. You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! And I'll do mine'.. walnuts?

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79. Yeah!

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80. Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I'm gonna like it.

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81. DRAW SOME BLOOD!

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82. ....back orders and you never called them.

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83. OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. Come on.

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84. There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.

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85. Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey!

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86. Nein. Sits. Goot.

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87. Yeah, that'll work.

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88. Bye poochie!

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89. Before taxes.

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90. I know what you'd do with all that money. 'Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.'

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91. I think we'll be fine.

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92. Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. False. Andy, I will volunteer.

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93. Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it!

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94. Yup.

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95. What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband.

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96. Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.

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97. No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.

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98. Like baboons or elephants.

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99. Kevin! Doesn't apply.

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100. Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?

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