Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 57)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 57 of 76

1. Message in a Bottle, The Postman...

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46516

2. Kevin Costner.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46518

3. It's not the greatest one either...

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46523

4. And it's clear we're not going to carry them.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46525

5. Exactly.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46527

6. Yep. He'll be fine.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46530

7. Uh, it's not totally empty.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46562

8. OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46564

9. I don't know.

   Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46570

10. OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46580

11. It's uh, it's in beta testing.

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46582

12. Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46584

13. I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right?

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46602

14. So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46604

15. I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I?

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46606

16. Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er...

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46608

17. Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46615

18. Come on!

    Season 8 · Episode 3 · Quote 46625

19. What's going on?

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46643

20. Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46645

21. No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46647

22. Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46648

23. It's simpler this way.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46650

24. And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46680

25. They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46682

26. There's so much more to it than that.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46684

27. I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46685

28. MR. RYAN HOWARD!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46718

29. STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46720

30. MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46725

31. Set that down. Present yourself.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46752

32. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46754

33. Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46780

34. My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46820

35. Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46822

36. I can get you exotic meats ' hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46824

37. It'll all be goat.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46826

38. Who cares.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46855

39. MR. JAMES HALPERT!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46857

40. Stop forgetting things.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46859

41. MR. JAMES HALPERT!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46861

42. What? Idiot.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46863

43. MIS... MI... What are you doing?

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46865

44. That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46867

45. Erin....the receptionist!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46874

46. When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast.

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46880

47. Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo!

    Season 8 · Episode 4 · Quote 46881

48. It's called a costume.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 46925

49. Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 46927

50. Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 46929

51. Yeah, perfectly mediocre.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47006

52. I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47008

53. Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47010

54. Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47012

55. Yeah, but no nipples.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47014

56. It's a root you idiot.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47046

57. That's really rude. I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47048

58. Try influenza.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47050

59. Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane's coming. I suppose you're going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47052

60. Yeah I'm serious.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47068

61. Loser.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47070

62. Go, get up there right now.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47116

63. You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47119

64. Nice.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47122

65. Got 'em. Go!

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47124

66. I'm a Jamaican zombie woman. Leave me alone, ghoul.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47172

67. Uh, I know what it is. Ok? I have like a thousand people over every week to watch it. Ok? We all kinda hate it though.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47174

68. The city of Atlanta.

    Season 8 · Episode 5 · Quote 47176

69. Sorry, go ahead.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47206

70. Wha'Yes. Your attention. Uh because' No that is all.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47208

71. Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted 'We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47209

72. I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47234

73. Allow me. You're going to love this. Ugh'should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47236

74. Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47238

75. Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47240

76. I will do my voodoo.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47242

77. The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47263

78. Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47265

79. Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47267

80. P.S. We should should kill him.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47269

81. No, it's an accountability booster.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47271

82. Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47273

83. [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile'nod. Smile and nod.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47276

84. They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like'not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor'

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47277

85. But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47279

86. Oh, there's one mistake.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47283

87. It's not a doomsday device, gosh. We can do this you guys.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47286

88. Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47308

89. No questions.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47310

90. Accountability booster.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47312

91. I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47314

92. How about Scrantonstrangler666.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47318

93. No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha'You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47320

94. Really?

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47343

95. It goes out automatically at five P.M.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47345

96. Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47347

97. No.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47349

98. You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47351

99. No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. What?!

    Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47353

100. Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?

     Season 8 · Episode 6 · Quote 47355