Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 57)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 57 of 76

1. Message in a Bottle, The Postman...

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2. Kevin Costner.

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3. It's not the greatest one either...

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4. And it's clear we're not going to carry them.

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5. Exactly.

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6. Yep. He'll be fine.

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7. Uh, it's not totally empty.

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8. OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.

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9. I don't know.

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10. OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.

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11. It's uh, it's in beta testing.

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12. Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.

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13. I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right?

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14. So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-

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15. I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I?

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16. Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er...

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17. Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?

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18. Come on!

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19. What's going on?

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20. Oh, that's funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?

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21. No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

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22. Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've probably gone too far.

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23. It's simpler this way.

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24. And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you.

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25. They don't warn you when the cameras are driving by.

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26. There's so much more to it than that.

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27. I've been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I've got a secret weapon. Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars.

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28. MR. RYAN HOWARD!

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29. STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!

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30. MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!

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31. Set that down. Present yourself.

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32. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!

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33. Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.

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34. My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?

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35. Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?

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36. I can get you exotic meats ' hippo steaks, giraffe burgers...

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37. It'll all be goat.

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38. Who cares.

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39. MR. JAMES HALPERT!

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40. Stop forgetting things.

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41. MR. JAMES HALPERT!

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42. What? Idiot.

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43. MIS... MI... What are you doing?

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44. That's a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!

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45. Erin....the receptionist!

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46. When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast.

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47. Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo!

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48. It's called a costume.

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49. Ryan, will you please tell her who I am?

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50. Has no one here heard of Kerrigan, from Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.

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51. Yeah, perfectly mediocre.

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52. I'm a Jamaican zombie woman, leave me alone, ghoul.

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53. Damnit. I AM Kerrigan from Starcraft! I've been censored.

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54. Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg swarm!

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55. Yeah, but no nipples.

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56. It's a root you idiot.

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57. That's really rude. I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true.

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58. Try influenza.

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59. Open up a newspaper. Oh look a hurricane's coming. I suppose you're going to tell me the scariest animal is a shark?

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60. Yeah I'm serious.

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61. Loser.

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62. Go, get up there right now.

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63. You wanna attack or let them come to us? Your call, B.

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64. Nice.

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65. Got 'em. Go!

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66. I'm a Jamaican zombie woman. Leave me alone, ghoul.

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67. Uh, I know what it is. Ok? I have like a thousand people over every week to watch it. Ok? We all kinda hate it though.

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68. The city of Atlanta.

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69. Sorry, go ahead.

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70. Wha'Yes. Your attention. Uh because' No that is all.

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71. Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted 'We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

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72. I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it.

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73. Allow me. You're going to love this. Ugh'should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.

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74. Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two?

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75. Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead.

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76. I will do my voodoo.

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77. The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out.

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78. Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.

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79. Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.

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80. P.S. We should should kill him.

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81. No, it's an accountability booster.

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82. Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.

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83. [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile'nod. Smile and nod.

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84. They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like'not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor'

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85. But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve.

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86. Oh, there's one mistake.

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87. It's not a doomsday device, gosh. We can do this you guys.

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88. Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work.

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89. No questions.

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90. Accountability booster.

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91. I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work.

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92. How about Scrantonstrangler666.

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93. No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha'You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.

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94. Really?

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95. It goes out automatically at five P.M.

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96. Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.

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97. No.

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98. You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day.

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99. No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. What?!

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100. Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from?

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