Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 55)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 55 of 76

1. So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh?

   Season 7 · Episode 22 · Line 44893

2. Really? Anything.

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3. Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone.

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4. Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.

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5. Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership.

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6. No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up.

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7. Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse?

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8. Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. Jordan, gather my things from my desk.

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9. Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself.

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10. That's on a need-to-know basis.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 44990

11. General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.

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12. Define foment.

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13. Please take note of the new color-coding system.

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14. Aha!

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15. Gotcha! Why are you late?

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16. All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area.

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17. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?

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18. You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45020

19. Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.

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20. I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45027

21. Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45043

22. The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.

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23. Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45047

24. Don't make me fire you.

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25. Don't make me pre-fire you.

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26. Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.

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27. What?

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28. How you doing, Jordan?

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29. Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly.

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30. Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me, things they don't want me to know abou-Ohh... it's a holster.

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31. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Lookin' good. Ohh... Oh, what a day. What a day.

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32. The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um, I don't know. I guess he's saying that he's proud of me.

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33. The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster.

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34. Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?

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35. Uh... hello!

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36. Why would I put a banana in my holster?

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37. Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah!

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45076

38. No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.

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39. Okay, why are you calling Jo?

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40. Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now!

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45102

41. Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est-- I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45103

42. Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like?

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43. I have no way of knowing if that's true.

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44. Okay, really?

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45. Come on.

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46. I just really, really think we should handle this internally.

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47. Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45116

48. There he is! Our hero! You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.

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49. Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45120

50. American Idol? What? No.

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51. No.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45128

52. Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.

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53. I put everything back in the vending machine.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45134

54. Okay.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45137

55. Thank God.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45139

56. What's jazz hands?

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45141

57. Fine.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45143

58. [leaves the men's room with an empty fish tank after flushing the toilet]

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45144

59. Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45147

60. Well, what can you do? Life.

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61. Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements?

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45164

62. No, Kevin, come on.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45166

63. Kevin, not now.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45168

64. Okay, okay. Shh!

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45170

65. You're kidding me. Oh God, what am I touching? It's moist.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45172

66. Oh, it's so wet.

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67. I can't. I can't push harder!

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68. Okay, how's that?

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45178

69. I'm kneading it!

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70. Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.

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71. I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse -

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45185

72. It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45187

73. I take full responsibility.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45189

74. Pam made me put a banana in my holster.

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75. Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.

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76. Got it.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45195

77. Jo, please... I will -

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45197

78. Shut up.

    Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45206

79. They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere.

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80. Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45281

81. What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? What are you doing..? Stop trying to figure me out.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45327

82. You can't.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45329

83. No, it's not.

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84. Stop trying to figure me out. Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made?

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45333

85. Get out.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45335

86. I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45336

87. I want an interview.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45398

88. How's the family?

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89. Good. They good?

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45401

90. What's your daughter's name again? Peepee?

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45403

91. Peepa, how is she?

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45405

92. Great! Oh, that's great... We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim?

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45407

93. Now, listen,...

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45409

94. Okay, I know why you're saying that, Jim, I really do, but think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45411

95. I'm going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner, unlimited sex breaks for you and Pam...

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45413

96. Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45415

97. Ha ha!

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45417

98. Fine. I'll do it without you, but you'll regret this.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45419

99. Let me get that for you.

    Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45421

100. Okay.

     Season 7 · Episode 24 · Line 45423