Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 46)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 46 of 76

1. I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.

   Season 6 · Episode 15 · Line 35317

2. Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him.

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3. No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer.

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4. Michael, it's Phyllis.

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5. She sent an email, so.

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6. Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he what? Michael!

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7. I can't help but think that something we did made this possible.

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8. Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink?

   Season 6 · Episode 15 · Line 35390

9. Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you.

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10. It is not 'farm boy swill,' I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious.

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11. Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.

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12. No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably!

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13. Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35401

14. I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.

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15. Ha, nerd.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35434

16. Bare my child.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35436

17. I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35438

18. Have a seat.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35485

19. Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35487

20. It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.

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21. Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed?

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35491

22. Acceptable names include and are limited to: Ebenezer.

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23. Jonas.

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24. Warf.

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25. Okay. Fine.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35527

26. Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35529

27. Yes you can.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35531

28. It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35533

29. No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35614

30. Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous!

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35624

31. 'We' don't.

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32. Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35642

33. Let's go!

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35644

34. Michael!

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35. This is where I saw that deer last week.

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36. Right over by that fence.

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37. Let's go!

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38. I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.

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39. Ugh, alright. Let's move! ... What?

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35663

40. Are you kidding me?

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41. Dwight Schrute.

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42. Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35678

43. I don't need a key.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35681

44. No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35683

45. Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work.

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46. Hey, what's up, kid?

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47. Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35901

48. Very well.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35903

49. Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so...

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35969

50. Yup.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35971

51. Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35973

52. Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35975

53. Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35977

54. Alright. I'll call you, kid.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 35979

55. Two forms of ID, please.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 36016

56. Nothing.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 36018

57. Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Line 36020

58. Very good. Okay. Will get back to you right away on that, thanks.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36037

59. Mega-Desk.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36039

60. Command central.

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61. Surveillance, gaming- and business.

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62. Okay. Come on! Jim!

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36045

63. Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dumb-ass have been away on maternity leave. Now Dweedle Dumb-ass is back, and we have a problem. Yes, getting hooked on Mega-Desk was my own damn fault. But ... I don't care about assigning blame. All I care about is Mega-Desk. That is all I care about. Getting. More. Mega-Desk.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36046

64. Great.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36067

65. Thank you.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36069

66. Oh come on. Come on. Five more minutes? Five more minutes of Mega-Desk? Please?

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36071

67. They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36073

68. Must be amazing being a father right, a miracle of life?

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36077

69. Ah, that baby is just discovering the whole wide world right now.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36079

70. What up is, what down is, who Mom is, who Dad is. Must be tough being here with all that going on.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36081

71. I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36083

72. I'll tell you what happened to me. I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life. I thought my mother was my father, and my wet-nurse was my mother.

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73. Turned out fine for me. But Mose? Oh. Same story, different ending.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36087

74. Oh Jim, Jim! Sorry to bother you.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36140

75. My headphones are broken.

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76. Can I listen to my music at a low volume?

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36144

77. Okay? 'The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-'

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78. -But we'll be together then-'

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36150

79. -Dad, you know we'll have a good time then.'

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36152

80. Ah. Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigan's tonight. It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence. No? Nothing? Okay. Have fun working.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36222

81. Hi there Jo. Sorry to interrupt. Um, this evening I have...

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36223

82. Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting. With a client. I'm just gonna reschedule for next week.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36231

83. What the hell is this?

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36293

84. This is not Mega-Desk.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36295

85. That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36297

86. Hello, Dwight Schrute?

    Season 6 · Episode 17 · Line 36299

87. Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36326

88. Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36332

89. You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36334

90. Listen, Michael - about what happened earlier.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36336

91. When I was asking about the leads.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36338

92. ... is there any news on the leads?

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36340

93. Yeah. You got any news on the leads? ... Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! Alright, Dwight out!

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36342

94. Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36343

95. What are you doing, idiot?

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36446

96. Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. 'The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.'

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36448

97. The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36450

98. The leads are in?

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36452

99. Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36453

100. Kevin! Damnit Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C'mon -

     Season 6 · Episode 18 · Line 36455