Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 43)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 43 of 76

1. Don't.

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2. Yes.

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3. I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?

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4. It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.

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5. Do you know what 'snap decision' means?

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6. It means like this.

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7. We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.

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8. Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.

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9. Not the living in fear, that's new.

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10. Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.

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11. Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?

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12. Yeah...

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13. What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!

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14. Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

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15. Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.

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16. It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.

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17. And he made us all look like chumps!

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18. Okay that's-

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19. That's good, let's wrap it up.

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20. We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.

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21. You successfully backed down the mob!

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22. Very close.

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23. Yeah!

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24. Its Jim and Pam, Michael.

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25. Yeah...

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26. This conversation has two items on the agenda.

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27. Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... con-quack-ulations!

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28. You're welcome!

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29. I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

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30. I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.

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31. Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.

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32. You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?

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33. There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...

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34. There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...

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35. ...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

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36. The Nard Dog... what was that all about?

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37. What were you talking about in there?

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38. Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

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39. I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.

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40. Shh!

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41. Where did you get that mallard?

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42. That!

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43. Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.

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44. I'll give you five bucks for it.

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45. Ten.

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46. Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even...

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47. I'm sorry.

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48. Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.

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49. Oh, I'm equipped... I can...

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50. Don't tell Michael...

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51. Punishment fits the crime, I accept.

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52. 'We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our...' I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. '...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.'

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53. I'm Jigsaw, idiot.

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54. Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?

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55. Michael?

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56. A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay.

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57. Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -

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58. I don't want people making fun of my nose.

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59. It's too small.

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60. Just, write it down, please.

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61. Hey! It's on the list, everybody.

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62. Thank you.

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63. Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.

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64. Play it again. He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.

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65. Judas.

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66. Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-

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67. Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?

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68. No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.

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69. Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?

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70. Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.

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71. Good morning Michael.

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72. Hungry?

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73. Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.

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74. You're thinking of deer penis.

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75. Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. Bagel?

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76. K. I brought cheese too.

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77. Excellent.

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78. Okay. You owe me.

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79. Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

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80. Pam, would you care for a bagel?

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81. That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.

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82. Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.

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83. Wow--

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84. I will.

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85. Let me get that door for you--

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86. There you go!

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87. Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.

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88. Observe.

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89. Right?

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90. Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay.

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91. And that needs to be straight as an arrow.

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92. Thank you very much for that.

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93. Have a seat. Allow me.

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94. You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.

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95. No, no, no!

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96. Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.

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97. What's going on in here?

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98. Oh... no... really?

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99. There is no book. There's only a survival guide.

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100. Okay, well, allow me. You know what-- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!

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