Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 43

Don't.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32478

Yes.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32482

I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32484

It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32488

Do you know what 'snap decision' means?

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32490

It means like this.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32492

We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32521

Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32523

Not the living in fear, that's new.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32525

Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32527

Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32529

Yeah...

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32531

What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32533

Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32535

Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32536

It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32539

And he made us all look like chumps!

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32543

Okay that's-

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32558

That's good, let's wrap it up.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32560

We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32568

You successfully backed down the mob!

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32570

Very close.

Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32574

Yeah!

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32604

Its Jim and Pam, Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32606

Yeah...

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32608

This conversation has two items on the agenda.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32622

Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... con-quack-ulations!

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32624

You're welcome!

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32626

I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32627

I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32628

Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32630

You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32723

There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32725

There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32727

...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32729

The Nard Dog... what was that all about?

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32745

What were you talking about in there?

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32747

Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32755

I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32795

Shh!

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32819

Where did you get that mallard?

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32822

That!

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32824

Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32826

I'll give you five bucks for it.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32828

Ten.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32830

Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even...

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32879

I'm sorry.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32881

Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32883

Oh, I'm equipped... I can...

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32885

Don't tell Michael...

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32887

Punishment fits the crime, I accept.

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32889

'We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our...' I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. '...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.'

Season 6 · Episode 6 · Quote 32906

I'm Jigsaw, idiot.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 32921

Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 32994

Michael?

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33047

A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33049

Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33054

I don't want people making fun of my nose.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33066

It's too small.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33068

Just, write it down, please.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33071

Hey! It's on the list, everybody.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33074

Thank you.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33118

Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33140

Play it again. He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33196

Judas.

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33202

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-

Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33203

Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33226

No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33228

Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33230

Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33233

Good morning Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33234

Hungry?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33236

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33238

You're thinking of deer penis.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33240

Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. Bagel?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33242

K. I brought cheese too.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33244

Excellent.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33246

Okay. You owe me.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33248

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33249

Pam, would you care for a bagel?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33250

That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33252

Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33300

Wow--

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33302

I will.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33304

Let me get that door for you--

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33306

There you go!

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33308

Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33310

Observe.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33312

Right?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33314

Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33316

And that needs to be straight as an arrow.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33318

Thank you very much for that.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33320

Have a seat. Allow me.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33322

You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33324

No, no, no!

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33326

Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33328

What's going on in here?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33381

Oh... no... really?

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33383

There is no book. There's only a survival guide.

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33385

Okay, well, allow me. You know what-- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!

Season 6 · Episode 8 · Quote 33387

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 43)