Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 44)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 44 of 76

1. Hey, hey, hey-- relax I got it covered.

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2. No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist.

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3. Don't worry about it. You can just owe me.

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4. What's going on?

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5. Alright, move it.

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6. Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time.

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7. Got it. To Dwight. Wha-- Starbucks gift card.

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8. Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.

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9. Wait, why are you limping?

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10. Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.

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11. Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.

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12. Fire Jim.

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13. I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.

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14. Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.

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15. Can I have an office?

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16. You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.

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17. Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you!

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18. How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch

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19. No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!

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20. False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!

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21. That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.

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22. Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. Block. Grasp wrist as such.

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23. Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!

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24. He really is, but not for long. Ow! Instep, oh, not again. You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.

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25. The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise.

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26. Michael?

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27. What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?

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28. This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.

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29. Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP.

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30. You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

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31. He needs me. Seat saved infinity.

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32. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!

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33. I will poison your food.

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34. Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.

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35. I know you did it!

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36. I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

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37. Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.

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38. You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?

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39. Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.

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40. Answer me.

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41. You are out of order.

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42. Hey shut up. You're dead.

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43. Oh, this could be a juicy one.

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44. OK, everybody just calm down.

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45. I have crossbows.

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46. OK, I'm ready.

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47. Bow down before Recyclops.

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48. Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?

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49. Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?

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50. Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.

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51. Recyclops will have his revenge.

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52. Recyclops destroys!

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53. Yes.

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54. Polluticorn wishes.

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55. Humans are terrible for the environment.

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56. The twirl sucks.

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57. What kind of mileage does this baby get?

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58. Calves. Calves all the way.

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59. Smells like it.

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60. Word.

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61. I'll ask you a question.

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62. Michael Scott you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?

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63. Good luck, Michael.

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64. Coming through. Che, che, che, che, che, che. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Ah. Damn it. Wha- okay

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65. I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy.

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66. How is he gonna have grandkids?

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67. No. You will not.

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68. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?

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69. Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.

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70. Yes.

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71. Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.

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72. Yeah.

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73. Yeah! Your idea.

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74. My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.

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75. Hey Jimmy, what's up?

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76. Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.

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77. That laugh is so infectious.

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78. I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work.

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79. This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.

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80. In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.

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81. I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data.

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82. Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in-

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83. So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing.

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84. He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.

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85. You seem suprised.

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86. Hey buddy, so every-

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87. Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.

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88. Oh, no!

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89. Yeah, you said 'In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize.' Isn't that what you said?

    Season 6 · Episode 11 · Line 34261

90. My idea!

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91. Excellent idea, Pam.

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92. There must be some reasonable explanation for this.

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93. He knew all along!

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94. This is Kevin Malone, is David there?

    Season 6 · Episode 11 · Line 34300

95. Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam.

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96. This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.

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97. It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.

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98. I know how it happened.

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99. No!

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100. What?

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