Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 41)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 41 of 76

1. Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.

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2. Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! I'll get it.

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3. Okay. Fine.

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4. Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?

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5. No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?

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6. Seven? Can I finish please?

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7. Eight?

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8. Extreme! Parkour!

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9. [stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women's bathroom]

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10. Andy! Leapfrog!

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11. Yeah! Parkour! Parkour!

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12. Okay.

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13. Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera!

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14. Let's do it!

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15. Good. Excellent. Thank you.

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16. Yes. Umm... see those files behind Kevin's desk?

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17. Go put them all in random order.

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18. Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.

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19. Okay, let me finish this thought.

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20. He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well.

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21. People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. And... boom. Okay, what is it, what can't I guess?

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22. Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.

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23. Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night.

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24. Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved.

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25. Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be.

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26. Michael... You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm?

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27. Who's the father?

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28. Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it?

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29. Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.

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30. Nnnnn, that's not... okay.

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31. I'm talking about... hmmm.

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32. So long Darryl, feel better... He's lying.

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33. Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders.

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34. Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? Y'all having birthday cake?

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35. Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?

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36. It just doesn't add up.

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37. Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched.

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38. I have been my whole life.

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39. I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.

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40. Yeah.

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41. Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime.

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42. Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming.

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43. Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!

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44. Oh, worker's comp, my ass!

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45. Toby...

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46. Ooohhh... Oh man! You okay?

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47. I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated.

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48. We thought that she was you.

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49. Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?

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50. Aww, Darryl.

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51. Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.

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52. He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed.

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53. Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.

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54. Yes!

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55. Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.

    Season 6 · Episode 2 · Line 31329

56. Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...

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57. Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed...

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58. I'm... I was making it.

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59. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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60. Could you please sign my expense report?

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61. Sign this.

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62. Sign it.

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63. Idiot.

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64. I have a complaint about Jim.

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65. I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.

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66. Jim won't sign my expense report.

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67. No, that is huge.

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68. This has to do--

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69. I'd like to lodge a complaint.

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70. You!

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71. One minute ago.

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72. Angry.

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73. No.

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74. No.

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75. No.

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76. Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.

    Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31415

77. I'm not cr-- uhh!

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78. I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!

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79. This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!

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80. What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!

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81. Her kid needs shoes, Jim!

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82. And Jim!

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83. I think it was Creed.

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84. People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

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85. Come on in. That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces.

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86. Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.

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87. Are we idiots? What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick-- let's get him. Tock-- let's get Jim! Tick-- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock-- take his keys away from him! Tick-- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!

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88. No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? Okay.

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89. Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

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90. Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.

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91. Come on. You've got to be kidding me.

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92. We'll see.

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93. But you can say that about anything.

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94. What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.

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95. It's easy. That's what I'm saying.

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96. I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.

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97. Yes.

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98. For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.

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99. Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.

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100. Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.

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