Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 27

Season 4 · Episode 3 · Quote 18696

I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain.

Season 4 · Episode 3 · Quote 18698

Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before.

Season 4 · Episode 3 · Quote 18727

Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18783

None of your business, Jim.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18785

It is not a B and B.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18787

Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18788

I'm not telling you anything. Permits are pending. Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18790

Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18792

Where did you read that?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18794

Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18796

How many in your party?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18797

We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18799

One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18804

You took that with you.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18806

You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18808

My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18810

We have three rooms, each with a different theme.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18841

American, Irrigation, and Night-Time.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18843

I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18846

No.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18848

No. Jim, come on.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18850

Mose, bags! Now!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18852

Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18853

Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the--- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18866

And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. 'Harry?' It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18891

Come in. Did you have another nightmare?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18919

Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18921

Is everything satisfactory with your stay?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18924

Great.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18926

Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18928

Pam.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18951

I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 18953

Stupid.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19127

No.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19129

Maybe you should. Whatever.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19131

I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19137

Uhh-mmm

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19154

No you didn't.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19156

Mmm-uh-mm

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19158

[sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away]

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19160

Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19190

No, I don't know.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19197

What?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19199

What...

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19201

I was aware that you were speaking.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19203

What is the matter with... me?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19205

I'm... discombobulated.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19207

I need help.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19209

State your business!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19244

That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19246

Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19248

Stay out of this, you!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19252

Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19294

Okay, go ahead, they're right.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19296

Arr, dammit!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Quote 19299

Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19340

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19342

We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19358

Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19360

Dwike?

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19362

Yes.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19394

Andy, I can't hear this right now.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19477

She called you D?

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19479

Oh D.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19481

Oh D.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19483

We had already applauded.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19565

He looks like your twin.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19578

I will know.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19580

I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19582

Found him!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19640

Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19653

Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19655

Yow!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19666

He's lying.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19670

Gah-ah-hah-ha!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19673

No communication with the outside world Jim.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19675

Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19678

Or real bombs.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19687

Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19689

Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19694

I'm peeing in this empty can.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19711

Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19714

Hey, you're making me spray!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19716

I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19721

Believe it.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19734

And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19740

Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19742

Okay, Jim.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19744

Let's move! Move, move, move, move!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19746

We are climbing some stairs.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19764

I'm breathing heavily.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19765

Well...

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19767

There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19769

I can see the security guard's eyes.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19771

I have to do something to his eyes.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19773

The eyes are the groin of the head.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19774

My hip bone!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19781

Don't leave us!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19783

Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Quote 19785

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 27)