Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 27

Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18696

I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain.

Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18698

Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before.

Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18727

Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18783

None of your business, Jim.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18785

It is not a B and B.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18787

Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18788

I'm not telling you anything. Permits are pending. Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18790

Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18792

Where did you read that?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18794

Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18796

How many in your party?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18797

We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18799

One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18804

You took that with you.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18806

You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18808

My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18810

We have three rooms, each with a different theme.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18841

American, Irrigation, and Night-Time.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18843

I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18846

No.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18848

No. Jim, come on.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18850

Mose, bags! Now!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18852

Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18853

Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the--- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18866

And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. 'Harry?' It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18891

Come in. Did you have another nightmare?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18919

Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18921

Is everything satisfactory with your stay?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18924

Great.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18926

Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18928

Pam.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18951

I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 18953

Stupid.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19127

No.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19129

Maybe you should. Whatever.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19131

I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19137

Uhh-mmm

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19154

No you didn't.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19156

Mmm-uh-mm

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19158

[sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away]

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19160

Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19190

No, I don't know.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19197

What?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19199

What...

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19201

I was aware that you were speaking.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19203

What is the matter with... me?

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19205

I'm... discombobulated.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19207

I need help.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19209

State your business!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19244

That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19246

Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19248

Stay out of this, you!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19252

Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19294

Okay, go ahead, they're right.

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19296

Arr, dammit!

Season 4 · Episode 4 · Line 19299

Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19340

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19342

We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19358

Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19360

Dwike?

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19362

Yes.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19394

Andy, I can't hear this right now.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19477

She called you D?

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19479

Oh D.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19481

Oh D.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19483

We had already applauded.

Season 4 · Episode 5 · Line 19565

He looks like your twin.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19578

I will know.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19580

I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19582

Found him!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19640

Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19653

Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19655

Yow!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19666

He's lying.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19670

Gah-ah-hah-ha!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19673

No communication with the outside world Jim.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19675

Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19678

Or real bombs.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19687

Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19689

Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19694

I'm peeing in this empty can.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19711

Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19714

Hey, you're making me spray!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19716

I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19721

Believe it.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19734

And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19740

Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19742

Okay, Jim.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19744

Let's move! Move, move, move, move!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19746

We are climbing some stairs.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19764

I'm breathing heavily.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19765

Well...

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19767

There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19769

I can see the security guard's eyes.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19771

I have to do something to his eyes.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19773

The eyes are the groin of the head.

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19774

My hip bone!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19781

Don't leave us!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19783

Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!

Season 4 · Episode 6 · Line 19785

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 27)