Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 24)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 24 of 76

1. If I guess, will you tell me?

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2. Please?

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3. Is that a sumo suit?

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4. I know, we're putting on a play for Japanese investors.

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5. Please tell me. I've been so good...

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6. Please.

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7. Please.

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8. I do!

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9. I do!

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10. Let's go.

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11. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eat sand, you fat, old man!

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12. You wanted to see me?

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13. But that's my name. Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. Thank you.

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14. Thank you, Michael.

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15. Thank you so much.

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16. Thank you.

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17. How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?

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18. No, no, not Michael. Me. I'm taking his job.

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19. Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

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20. I am gonna be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.

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21. No. And the sheets are made of fire.

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22. Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

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23. I'll have to talk to the manager.

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24. I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!

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25. Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

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26. Eighty thousand dollars a year.

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27. Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

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28. Yes you will.

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29. Okay, everyone, listen up! Time to begin the interview process! Andrew Bernard.

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30. No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.

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31. What did I say!?

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32. I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?

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33. Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?

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34. What is the capital of Maine?

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35. Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.

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36. You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.

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37. Time! No, you failed.

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38. This interview is over. I'll let you know.

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39. Who's ready to work?

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40. Michael is gone.

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41. My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.

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42. As if you had a choice. Duh. Opportunity of a lifetime.

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43. You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.

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44. I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager.

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45. Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.

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46. Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.

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47. Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant

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48. Do you accept?

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49. Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch.

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50. Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.

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51. Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!

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52. Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.

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53. Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.' Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!

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54. Listen up. Let's start... from the ground

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55. Trees! And where do trees grow?

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56. Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?

    Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16788

57. Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.

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58. Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!

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59. We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?

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60. What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?

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61. Okay---

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62. What---

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63. No wait, what are you doing?!

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64. No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.

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65. Zip your lid!

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66. It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black.

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67. It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

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68. To intimidate my subordinates.

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69. It was Andy's idea.

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70. Pam, hello.

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71. I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity.

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72. Define scorched earth policy.

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73. Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?

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74. Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens.

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75. Who was the second man on the moon?

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76. Inventor of the cotton gin.

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77. Talk me through an appendectomy.

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78. Step 5, ...the wound.

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79. When is the Paleolithic Age?

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80. What is a scented candle?

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81. How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back.

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82. Where?

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83. No need we can just check the security tapes.

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84. It's only Meredith.

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85. Hey... Why did you do it?

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86. Was she talkin' back?

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87. Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?

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88. Hey monkey, what's up?

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89. Sure.

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90. Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp.

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91. So what do you need me to do?

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92. Mm-hmm.

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93. Hey monkey.

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94. Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead.

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95. Sparkles, the white one, is dead.

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96. That was the sick one, right?

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97. No.

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98. Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat.

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99. So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place.

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100. Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor.

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