Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 13)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 13 of 76

1. ...Okay.

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2. We have better service than they do!

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3. Is that a real fun shooting windmill?

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4. And he

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5. Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.

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6. Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...

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7. And they do, your parents, love you very much.

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8. The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. They didn't eat the children.

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9. What the...

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10. Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert?

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11. Oh, really? Uh-huh.

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12. Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done.

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13. Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!

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14. Birthday hug!

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15. That suit is amazing.

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16. Mmm. Maybe I should get one.

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17. Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?

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18. Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...

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19. Let's get the party started.

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20. Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.

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21. Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.

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22. Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.

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23. It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.

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24. I probably care more than she does.

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25. Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on back... order... Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!

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26. Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.

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27. There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.

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28. So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!

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29. Creed! Come on. Stanley!

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30. On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?

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31. Happy birth moment, Michael.

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32. One. Two. Three!

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33. Oscar...

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34. Okay, that is

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35. F. Alright, what's the damage?

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36. Thirty nine... sixty.

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37. Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

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38. Here they come.

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39. Come and get it!

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40. Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.

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41. Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left.

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42. Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.

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43. Oh. I got it.

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44. This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.

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45. What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?

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46. But what if i'm hungry?

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47. Here we go. Make a wish.

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48. Yaoo yay!

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49. Pam was supposed to get 'em.

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50. Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.

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51. Please, don't.

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52. I'll get someone to take it down.

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53. YEAH!

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54. Turn it around. Turn it around.

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55. Number one!!

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56. Let's get the party started.

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57. Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.

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58. To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. Makes me rethink having skin at all.

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59. Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.

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60. Thanks, girl.

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61. Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.

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62. I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

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63. Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?

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64. I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.

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65. Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.

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66. Don't make me do this the hard way.

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67. I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.

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68. I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.

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69. I volunteered for this job.

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70. It is my duty...

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71. ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.

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72. If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.

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73. Well, you have...

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74. ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...

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75. ...and I am very proud of being a narc.

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76. Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

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77. Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?

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78. Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?

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79. Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?

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80. He sure left in a hurry.

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81. I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.

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82. Do you know what this is?

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83. How do you know that?

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84. Dammit.

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85. No, it's marijuana.

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86. That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.

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87. I would remember.

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88. That's not how it works.

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89. Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.

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90. [opens eyes wide in total surprise]

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91. I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.

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92. Where were you yesterday after work?

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93. Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.

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94. Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.

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95. No you can't do that.

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96. No you cannot. It has to be official, and it

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97. Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?

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98. Angela, what about you?

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99. You're not on

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100. Good.

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