Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 11)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 11 of 76

1. I can tell. I won't let you down.

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2. Who took all the black ones?

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3. So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?

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4. Sniffling how?

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5. Three.

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6. Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?

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7. Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.

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8. Including prep time?

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9. As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.

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10. Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.

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11. This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?

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12. How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

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13. Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.

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14. And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods.

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15. He totally misses,

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16. Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder.

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17. Jack Nicholas.

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18. I got it. No problem.

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19. Oh, man, it's really back there.

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20. Yeah. I can barely...

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21. Should I clean out my desk?

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22. Don't be fooled by the phrase 'dust bunnies.' They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed.

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23. If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee.

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24. Queen's higher.

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25. Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts?

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26. Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face.

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27. Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar.

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28. Getting defensive?

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29. You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be.

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30. It's still stinky.

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31. She probably scrubbed it

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32. Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.

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33. Okay.

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34. Yeah!

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35. Mm.

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36. No way!

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37. And who had your office?

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38. That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?

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39. No!

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40. I thought he was out on the road.

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41. Ah.

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42. Michael.

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43. What?

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44. Yeah!

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45. Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?

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46. Okay.

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47. Hello, am I the 107th caller? Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? I'm totally gonna win us that box set.

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48. Jethro Tull...

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49. I need to make a sales call. Please?

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50. Am I the 107th caller?

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51. Yeah!

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52. It is so on!

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53. Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!

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54. But you're the one who picked today.

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55. I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that.

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56. Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So...

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57. Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye.

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58. What?

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59. You're the one who trained me, Michael.

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60. You most certainly did not.

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61. What can I do better?

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62. I'm not good at jokes.

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63. My cousin Mose told me a joke.

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64. Okay.

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65. I will.

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66. Yes, Howard Gruber, please.

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67. Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too.

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68. I understand.

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69. If I was offensive in any way, I...

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70. Humor works in...

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71. ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber.

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72. That's not true.

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73. He's my best customer.

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74. But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael!

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75. What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three 'M's. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality.

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76. Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering.

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77. It's a terrible idea.

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78. Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

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79. Yeah!

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80. We could do it in the warehouse.

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81. Remember on Lost when they met the Others?

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82. Okay. Let's go. Step up.

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83. Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.

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84. No.

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85. No.

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86. Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like 'Gas ain't free!'

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87. Not literally.

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88. Word.

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89. Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car.

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90. Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!

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91. Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! Sorry.

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92. There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, 'There's no place like home.' And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? It's gonna drive me crazy.

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93. And you want me to come with you.

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94. I will stay here and run things on this end.

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95. Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?

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96. Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know...

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97. Screwed.

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98. What's this? What is this?

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99. Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?

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100. Happy Valentine's Day. It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! Ahh!

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