Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 9)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 9 of 76

1. Like who? Who doesn't know?

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2. Why just Michael?

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3. Is it?

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4. Oh, that's perfect!

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5. I won't.

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6. Battlestar Galatica.

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7. I can't-

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8. Tonight.

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9. Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.

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10. Clarinet.

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11. Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. He has no idea!

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12. Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?

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13. You don't work with us.

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14. Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.

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15. When is the guest of honor coming?

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16. He's gonna love it!

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17. Surprise! Everybody!

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18. Where's your tie?

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19. What's going on, Michael. Talk to me.

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20. Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on?

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21. The most important one of the guys.

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22. That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know-

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23. Where you come from, and who you are.

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24. You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger.

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25. Jim, this is hardly the time.

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26. And their king bee.

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27. Master bee.

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28. Queen bee.

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29. Go. Get the door.

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30. Go. Push!

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31. Push!

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32. Really shove it.

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33. Shove it through! Break it!

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34. I got a splinter.

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35. I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.

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36. One, two, three.

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37. You guys should use a hand truck.

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38. No.

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39. Michael, I would like to be the elf.

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40. Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.

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41. Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons.

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42. I want to do it.

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43. Hey, I could get some flares from my car.

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44. First present, Oscar.

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45. Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim.

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46. Pam.

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47. All right, next. Ryan.

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48. Michael.

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49. We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.

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50. Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.

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51. Angela, you're up.

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52. Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go.

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53. It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else.

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54. You and me, Michael. Yes!

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55. I never said it was better than an iPod.

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56. Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.

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57. Take that, Saddam!

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58. Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.

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59. Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.

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60. Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.

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61. No trades.

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62. A real man makes his own luck.' Billy Zane.

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63. No. I want it. I'm going to use it.

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64. True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..

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65. .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so.

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66. This is so awesome.

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67. Thank you.

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68. Oh, hello there. But what are you doing?

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69. You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.

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70. Yes.

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71. Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good.

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72. Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party?

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73. Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list.

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74. Do I look like I'm kidding? Phyllis, stag, I assume.

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75. Really?

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76. Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions.

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77. Absolutely... not.

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78. What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way.

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79. I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink.

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80. Hello. Jim?

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81. This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?

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82. Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy.

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83. Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.

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84. No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.

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85. Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.

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86. Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?

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87. But I don't have any...

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88. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five...

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89. Good morning, Michael.

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90. Aye aye, Captain.

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91. Cool.

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92. Limbo, whoo!

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93. Me! Me, me, me.

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94. I'm stronger.

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95. I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

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96. What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

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97. I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!

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98. Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.

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99. Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.

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100. Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.

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