Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 36)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 36 of 40

1. Did you maybe tell them that or...?

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2. Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important.

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3. Love you too.

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4. Yo! Bad boys of a capella.

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5. Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?

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6. Did he tell you how I got the name?

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7. Spring sing '95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way.

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8. They didn't know about the snowman story, and when I told 'em, they were not impressed.

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9. Right?

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10. Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!

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11. Oh Man!

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12. No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man...

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13. Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?

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14. That's my signature song.

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15. Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael.

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16. Wha...?

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17. Shut up, Broccoli.

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18. You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man's signature solo is his for life, okay? That's group policy and you know it.

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19. Just don't do the song anymore.

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20. Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes.

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21. I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!

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22. OK, fine, yeah. that's one guy's opinion!

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23. Doesn't mean you're the best singer ever. Dick.

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24. This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?

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25. I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?

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26. Duh. I know. That would be insane.

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27. It could totally work though. I don't know why we wouldn't. Oh my god are we doing this?

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28. If I am not Boner Champ, I don't know who I am.

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29. Make a donation.

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30. Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom.

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31. Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. What?

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32. My parents are broke.

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33. Alright, good. Yeah. Just sell it and get the best price you can, okay?

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34. White, I'm not a day trader, I'm just a first responder in a disaster.

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35. Are the 'Nard's hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family shattered, super sad. But, I'm kinda crushing it in the damage control department. So, that's cool. I wish my dad could see me now. Of course he caused this whole mess, so, him.

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36. Yeah. He's in rehab actually.

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37. No, it's in New Mexico.

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38. We're done Meredith.

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39. Alright, guys. A lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal. Now, first of all, there is the family boat. 43 foot Tartan Sloop. My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.

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40. Totally, except it is a no go. This boat was the heart and soul of the family. So...what else we got? Non-boat ideas.

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41. Alright, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut?

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42. Guys, you don't understand, this boat's been in our family since before I was born.

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43. Alright, uh...alright. I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.

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44. Yes the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money. Got the memories, don't need the boat. Can't cry about it. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? Excuse me.

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45. Uh, did you need something?

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46. Ok. thanks.

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47. Look, it's not that I don't want-

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48. All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But dad wouldn't let me. Said 'You can't be a skipper until you're a man.' You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away. Well guess what? Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing. So I'm never gonna have the chance.

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49. Tonight.

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50. Yeah right. It's in Stamford, Connecticut. We have to leave like right now.

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51. Yeah, ok.

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52. Seriously?

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53. Alright.

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54. Let's do it.

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55. That's the family boat!

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56. Right?

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57. Sorry?

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58. Sure, I um..I didn't know.

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59. Ok.

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60. Geez, a little bit. How you doing old buddy? Missed you.

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61. It raises the main sail. That was my job when we went sailing.

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62. Really?

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63. Up she goes!

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64. Oh, it's OK. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner on me.

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65. You got it. You know what then, we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor.

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66. You know what? Chill, ok? I own the boat. Not gonna sue myself. Alright, so just- wow.

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67. Ok, fine.

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68. Yeah, fine.

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69. Good stuff. Nice stuff. Damn it! Screw you dad! ..ah.

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70. I've had a thousand picnics on this boat. The point was for me to sail it.

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71. Fine. But I could have.

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72. I am the captain.

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73. Right?

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74. I'm the captain. Hey, charm school.

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75. I'm taking it over from here.

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76. Yeah, I know cause I'm sailing it there.

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77. Fine. Good. Keep it. Just leave the supplies, I paid for those. But how much for that cool fisherman sweater?

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78. Yeah. Yeah I know how to hoist the mail sail, I know to...I, I, these buttons control boat pumps and stuff. I also know where the booze stash is. So, hello. Walt?

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79. I thought you were in rehab.

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80. I didn't. I, I just came to say goodbye to the boat. But I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.

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81. Same thing. Come on. I need a crew. You should be my crew. Three weeks, open ocean, no booze. You need this. I need it, we need this. Serious bro time, come on.

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82. Alright guys, cast us off. Walt, all aboard! Erin, this is because of you. Do you realize that? You're the best ever!

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83. Good? Come on. Above and beyond. World's Greatest. You did this! Dammit I'm happy!

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84. I'll see you in three weeks!

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85. No way!

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86. Erin I gotta go!Them's my chords!

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87. Ah, what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?

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88. That Swayze sure can dance dirty.

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89. No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull.

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90. Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now.

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91. What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!

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92. Yeah, it was. That's okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!

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93. Ah! That's not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know?

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94. I will leave you with this. The image of a man and his boat. Burn this into your brains.

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95. No. No! Nooo!

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96. Hi Dwight.

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97. Well, well, well, look who it is.

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98. I guess I can cancel my order from Zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.

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99. Hey! Sweetheart! I have missed you so much.

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100. I have been dreaming of this moment.

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