Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office | Page 38

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57142

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57144

No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57146

Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. So you had a bad day-

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57148

..The camera don't lie!

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57150

You're being an idiot get..

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57152

Out of my office, turns out you're fired...

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57154

Because you suck.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57156

And you're fired...

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57158

So you had a bad day...

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57160

Rut ti doh doh...

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57162

Rut tit doh doh...

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57164

Rut ti doh doo doh

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57166

No.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57169

Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57171

They already have a contract? 'Mutually agree to-' Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57173

Well, I'm not signing away my rights.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57175

Ok, well we'll see about that.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57177

Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57224

Ugh.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57226

That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57229

What?!

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57231

Sorry.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57233

My whole life is a booger bubble!

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57235

Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57250

Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57252

Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57254

Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57260

Hi.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57328

Hi, how's it going?

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57330

Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57332

Awkward.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57334

Really uncomfortable situation.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57336

It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta 'move on'. Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57338

Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57382

Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57383

Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57385

And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57389

We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57395

Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Season 9 · Episode 16 · Quote 57427

Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57572

Oh my god. I forgive him so much. Whoa, is he choking?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57626

Last night? Oh, god, um, I don't know. Na, nothing really. Kevin?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57661

I'm not, a... I'm just. I don't know. Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. Pretty normal night.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57663

Yeah. I didn't see you last night at all.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57665

What?

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57690

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57696

Well there you go. That's muy caliente.

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57698

Excuse me, dirty birdie

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57702

You can have this back at the end of the day. Oh!!

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57704

Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. 'Banjo at 0:19 is aight' Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57748

Of course there are!

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57788

People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: 'You guys are killing it!' I mean, we're internet sensations guys!

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57816

Oh! Seven new comments. 'The guy at 0:19 is hawt!' 'Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!''He's not hawt, he's gay.' 'Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.' 'He is hawt!' See, thank you, that's more like it. 'He is butt.' God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57845

Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out.

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57993

Huh? Yeah, see ya. Oh! What?!

Season 9 · Episode 18 · Quote 57995

Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58008

I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58010

I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red Alert.'

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58012

I think we should.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58014

It's okay. The hell does he know?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58022

I want you to print that out for me.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58024

Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58026

Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58065

Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58070

I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58072

Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58074

Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58076

Huh, yeah. I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58143

Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58145

Come on!

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58157

Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58180

Actor?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58181

Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58183

Does anything go on top of the mouse?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58186

Aw, that's cute.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58188

What's the mouse's name?

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58190

Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58246

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58248

My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58250

: Yes. And yes.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58252

Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. I'm all for it.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58254

Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58256

You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58258

Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58260

It doesn't include headshots.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58262

Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though.

Season 9 · Episode 19 · Quote 58264

Be careful of that beaker, it contains dangerous acid!

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58285

Well I'm just trying to bring some life to it.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58287

Last week I got an agent and uh, this week I got a movie. HRPDC chemical handling protocols. It's gonna be seen by tons of workers in the industrial chemical community. One of whom could have a cousin whose brother's Brad Pitt. And boom, next thing you know, I'm in Moneyballs Two.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58288

Go away, we're running lines.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58290

Oh yeah. Alright, get over here. I am so freaked out by things going into eyes. I just- wow. Uggggh! I can't even, I'm so freaked out by that, just go. Go go go go go.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58292

Yeah, Ok. Alright. Where were we?

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58294

And remember: Do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. You will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58296

W-w-w-wait. Stop stop stop. Don't go anywhere. I just need to find more colors. Let's do it six more times.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58298

Heads up everyone. If you really need something from me today, let's get it done tomorrow. Carla Fern got me a gig.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58309

Yeah.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58311

Who is Carla Fern? Well, wow. Uh, she's my agent and my drill sargent. And one of my best friends. Oh, and Oscar, I already figured it out. If I have to get emotional in the film, I'm just going to think about you getting dumped by the Senator.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58313

Little raw. Not cool Oscar.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58315

Not cool.

Season 9 · Episode 20 · Quote 58317

Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 38)