Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 39)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 39 of 40

1. No. He's- I mean, you've never acted in anything before. He's just my entourage.

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2. That's the cleaky clacker! He clicks that and then the guy says 'action.'

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3. I guess it's starting. Um, yeah. Of course. Yeah sure. Tell you what. I'll put my arm around you and then I can take it-

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4. Got it.

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5. Sorry.

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6. This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols. These protocols could save you from severe injury, even death.

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7. Just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.

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8. So how do you want, how should I do it?

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9. This video is to demonstrate the HPRDC chemical handling protocols.

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10. It's Tom Brokaw, it's a newscaster.

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11. Tom Brokaw!

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12. Which is insanely painful.

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13. And I've already picked a few childhood memories to tap in to, to really express that pain.

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14. So I just lean over this thing and then you'll add the water special effect later?

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15. I'm not comfortable doing my own stunts. I'll get nude if you want me to, I'll go full Lena Dunham but I-

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16. Darryl, what do I do?

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17. They want me to use real water in the eye wash scene.

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18. I can't squirt stuff in my eyeball. I've never even used an eye dropper.

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19. Carla! Carla!

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20. She yelled at me. I can't wash my eyeball. I can't do that. I can't.

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21. Do you believe in me?

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22. AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!!

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23. I can do a better one.

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24. I said I can do a better one. Darryl...

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25. AHH! AHH! AHH!

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26. Yeah! Yeah.

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27. Hey. Which tie makes me look like a guy who likes sofas? My agent's putting me up for a furniture commercial.

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28. Totally, right? So, Big Tuna, what's up? Back in the small pond?

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29. Thin-sliced tuna. Carpaccio. Go on.

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30. Tell me about it, you know? I've been trying to act and manage this branch. Half the time I don't know if I'm wearing my stage makeup or my work makeup.

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31. David Walrus, in his native habitat.

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32. Yeah.

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33. I'm gonna stop you right there. David, this documentary is going to air in two weeks. I feel like it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pursue my dream.

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34. Every minute that I spend here is time not spent making audition videos for reality dating, cooking or singing shows. I got a real shot here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself if I blew it because I was too focused on my stupid paper company job. No offense.

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35. At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.

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36. Well, no, actually. I see no reason to limit myself to just acting. I am pursuing fame of any kind. Could be singing, could be dancing. I don't'it just' I owe it to myself and my future fans.

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37. Thank you, David.

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38. Nope. I have made up my mind. I'm really sorry.

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39. Thank you. Not gonna need it.

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40. Everyone, a little breaking news for ya. Just had a little chat with David Wallace. And, um, I'm taking a leave of absence from Dunder Mifflin, forever.

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41. I wasn't fired. What are you talking about? I'm fired up, yes. Guys, I'm'I'm leaving to pursue my lifelong dream of being famous.

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42. Yeah, so, I'll see you on the red carpet. See, that's how it works.

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43. I'm 38, Darryl, how much slower should I go?

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44. All right. I get it.

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45. The male is a funny species. We don't just tell each other how we feel, that's chick stuff. So instead of saying, 'Hey, Andy, I love you, man. I don't want you to leave.' You say something like, 'Hey, Andy, you're making the worst mistake of your life. You're not talented.' Well' right back at you, Darryl.

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46. I'm gonna miss you too. Mmm!

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47. It's now or never.

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48. Yeah, sure. What's your question?

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49. Well, it's better than sticking around here and half-assing it, right?

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50. Nah. I like my plan better.

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51. What?

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52. Well, hello.

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53. Big day for you.

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54. Love the belt.

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55. You know, I don't know anything about karate but I have broken a few boards in my day. Diving boards, at my family pool in Redding. I was an obese child. I never talk about that here, but Nard-dog's outta here, so letting it all hang out!

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56. Thank you, I appreciate that. 'Cause a lot of people are saying I might not make it.

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57. No, I just applied for more overdraft protection.

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58. Nothing is impossible to him who will try. Alexander the Great, if he were cockney.

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59. I'm gonna make it. Every person that has been on Conan has a crazy story about how they made it. Every person.

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60. Erin. Honest Erin, cannot tell a lie. We lay together. That's something you can't take back.

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61. Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I am making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?

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62. Thank you.

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63. Thank you.

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64. Hey, everybody, I changed my mind. Not leaving. I'm gonna stay on in sales.

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65. Okay.

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66. Death of a salesman.

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67. Sure, 'Death of a Salesman' by Arthur Miller, it's a great play about crushed dreams.

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68. Got any hot leads?

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69. Brava, brava.

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70. How did I just abandon my dreams so quickly? It's cause I had a fallback. That's the problem. When you have fallbacks, it's just easy to give up. When Cortez landed in Mexico, only way he got his men to defeat the Aztecs was by burning all of his own boats. So they could never return home. Huge dick move but very effective. I need to be that same kind of dick to myself.

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71. Everyone! Changed my mind again.

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72. Uh, dream. Goin' with my dream. Gotta go all in, isn't that right, Jim?

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73. All in! Whoo!

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74. Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.

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75. Yeah, but here's the thing. I can't have good old Dunder Mifflin to fall back on or else I'll never succeed. Gotta burn those boats! So I need you to go into my file and put down that I was fired for theft and/or groping wieners.

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76. Seriously?

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77. Come on, just do it.

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78. All right, fine, just know that you made me do this.

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79. God, Toby, don't'stop blocking my hand.

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80. This is your'you brought this on.

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81. Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!

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82. David. I lost the Scranton White Pages account. Do you have any idea how much paper that is? And I'd just like to point out, I was mad at Dwight. I did it out of spite.

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83. What if I told you that I hate you and I hate this company?

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84. Just stop forgiving me, David, please? This is my last chance to honor what is best inside myself. What if I took a dump on your new car?

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85. Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.' I think she's right. I feel calm now. I feel, like, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing the right thing.

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86. Yeah.

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87. Uh, heavy stuff like books on the bottom. So it don't squash my knickety-knacks on top.

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88. Wow. Angela. What we had was great, and, honestly I think about it a lot too'

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89. But I just'it's in the past. And I feel like we shouldn't'

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90. Rehash'

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91. Exactly.

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92. Thanks, Angela. You too.

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93. A-bridge, a-burnt. No turning back now. Everybody, Lorelai and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.

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94. Tuna, I'm a performer. And perform I shall.

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95. Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.

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96. Yes!

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97. Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show, it's like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!

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98. This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.

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99. No!

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100. No, this is my time! You don't belt on my time! I belt on my time.

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