Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office | Page 35

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53366

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53368

This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53369

My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53370

Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53372

There he is!

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53382

Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53384

It's me! I am related to Michelle Obama.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53386

I mean, it's distant, but...

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53388

Right?

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53390

Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53391

What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work!.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53422

Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53424

Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53426

Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53428

Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53430

Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53432

Right on, brotha. Wurddd.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53434

[to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53448

So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53450

Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53452

That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53454

Hi guys.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53457

Yeah. You don't have to ask me.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53459

Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be'[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith'African American'Mambazo.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53460

I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53477

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53479

No. Not that I see here.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53481

You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53483

Dwight's grandfather was a'[is interrupted by Dwight].

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53485

I was gonna say he was a tax evader.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53487

And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53489

No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53495

Might've done. And how' do you figure?

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53497

You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53499

We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53501

Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53502

Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53504

What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53506

You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53508

Okay.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53510

I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.

Season 9 · Episode 3 · Quote 53561

Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53563

A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! Who's this guy?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53566

[Darryl runs in slow motion on video]

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53569

Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53571

Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53575

Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53577

That was not a fail.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53579

[Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. You're all failing right now. Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53581

Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53590

I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53592

Fine. I will give you one minute.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53600

You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53602

A baby what? A human?!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53604

Oh.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53606

Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53608

And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53610

And those sand grains are tumbling..

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53612

With fury...

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53614

Down the sides..

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53616

Of the hourglass..

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53618

Time's up!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53620

Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53622

Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53664

Whoa!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53670

Yo. Dudeces.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53713

Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53721

Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! Ah OK, now a serious one.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53751

Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53801

Who is it?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53813

Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53815

It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53817

Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53819

British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53827

What?

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53829

I changed my mind.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53853

Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. Well, yeah, whatever. So.

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53855

My name is Andy!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53867

I don't do drugs!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53869

Now check the style!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53871

Of Flatt & Scruggs!

Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53873

A jitterbug. You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53905

Not a question.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53907

Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53909

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53911

Aaah! So good!

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53913

My Cornell a capella group.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53915

Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53918

Atta boy Clark!

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53921

No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53923

You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53924

Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up?

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53957

I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53959

You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53960

No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53962

You don't have any-- Any questions about the old days? You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53963

I'm sorry, what?

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53965

Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53967

I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ.

Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53971

Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 35)