Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 35)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 35 of 40

1. As in...

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2. Wow!

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3. This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.

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4. My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.

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5. Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but uh...I'm related to Michelle Obama.

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6. There he is!

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7. Ahhhthathathathathta. Right now I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?

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8. It's me! I am related to Michelle Obama.

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9. I mean, it's distant, but...

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10. Right?

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11. Darryl said, 'Cool, man.' He called me as cool man.

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12. What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. I still need weekly status reports from most of you, sooooo, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work!.

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13. Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.

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14. Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?

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15. Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uhhhh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.

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16. Great. Ooo! Spreadsheets! Yum, yum!

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17. Huh huh huh. Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.

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18. Right on, brotha. Wurddd.

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19. [to Erin]. Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?

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20. So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.

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21. Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not.

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22. That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today...but this was a great nerd-out!

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23. Hi guys.

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24. Yeah. You don't have to ask me.

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25. Ha ha! Okay. Great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happen to be'[ringtone of Dixie plays]. Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes' by Paul Simon, featurinnnngg Lady Smith'African American'Mambazo.

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26. I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.

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27. Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.

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28. No. Not that I see here.

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29. You mean Dwayne? And no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!

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30. Dwight's grandfather was a'[is interrupted by Dwight].

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31. I was gonna say he was a tax evader.

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32. And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.

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33. No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.

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34. Might've done. And how' do you figure?

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35. You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society...if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.

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36. We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.

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37. Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.

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38. Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl.

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39. What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?

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40. You now, Darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here.

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41. Okay.

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42. I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.

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43. Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together.

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44. A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! Who's this guy?

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45. [Darryl runs in slow motion on video]

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46. Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video!

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47. Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?

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48. Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests]

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49. That was not a fail.

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50. [Group continues chanting 'Fail!']That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. You're all failing right now. Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail!

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51. Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?

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52. I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?

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53. Fine. I will give you one minute.

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54. You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.

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55. A baby what? A human?!

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56. Oh.

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57. Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so.

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58. And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here.

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59. And those sand grains are tumbling..

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60. With fury...

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61. Down the sides..

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62. Of the hourglass..

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63. Time's up!

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64. Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that.

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65. Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.

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66. Whoa!

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67. Yo. Dudeces.

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68. Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.

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69. Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! Ah OK, now a serious one.

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70. Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point!

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71. Who is it?

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72. Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable.

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73. It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater.

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74. Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.

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75. British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?

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76. What?

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77. I changed my mind.

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78. Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. Well, yeah, whatever. So.

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79. My name is Andy!

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80. I don't do drugs!

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81. Now check the style!

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82. Of Flatt & Scruggs!

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83. A jitterbug. You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?

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84. Not a question.

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85. Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.

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86. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!

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87. Aaah! So good!

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88. My Cornell a capella group.

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89. Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party.

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90. Atta boy Clark!

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91. No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away.

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92. You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared.

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93. Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up?

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94. I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me.

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95. You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As.

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96. No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question.

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97. You don't have any-- Any questions about the old days? You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?

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98. I'm sorry, what?

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99. Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.

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100. I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ.

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