Jan Levinson Quotes from The Office (page 5)

Corporate VP, candle entrepreneur.

949 quotes · page 5 of 10

1. I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?

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2. Thanks Pam.

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3. What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time.

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4. Zoning out?

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5. If you can account for your time...

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6. ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary.

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7. Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?

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8. What is Diwali?

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9. Yes.

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10. Mich---

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11. Oh.

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12. Oh.

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13. Yes, of course, I know Kelly.

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14. I thought she was Muslim.

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15. Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea.

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16. Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event---

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17. ---or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself.

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18. Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric---

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19. Michael.

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20. Michael.

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21. Michael.

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22. I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.

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23. The board voted last night to close your branch.

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24. The board's.

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25. I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.

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26. A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.

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27. Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.

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28. Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.

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29. It's... it's about talent.

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30. Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.

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31. Hi.

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32. Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?

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33. So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.

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34. Awesome.

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35. Wha... excuse... why not?

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36. Today?

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37. You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?

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38. Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...

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39. I'm gonna make some calls.

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40. So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.

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41. And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.

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42. Yeah.

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43. Michael.

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44. Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.

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45. Where's Michael?

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46. Wha... what's going on here?

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47. Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.

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48. Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.

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49. Back?

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50. Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.

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51. Michael!

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52. Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?

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53. Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?

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54. You do?

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55. What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.

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56. He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.

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57. Mmhmm.

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58. We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.

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59. When did the check come?

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60. Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.

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61. Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line.

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62. ...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash.

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63. Michael?

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64. Hello everyone. Hello Michael.

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65. I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.

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66. Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.

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67. Why am I here, Michael?

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68. In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?

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69. I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.

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70. This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.

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71. This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.

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72. Good, good.

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73. Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...

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74. Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.

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75. Oh, God.

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76. Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister.

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77. Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and...

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78. Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote 'Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.'

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79. Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?

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80. Okay.

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81. Uh when, when did, when last night?

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82. You went to a bachelor party at work?

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83. I'm closer to firing you.

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84. I'll talk to you later.

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85. Michael?

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86. Hi.

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87. Let's just blow this party off.

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88. Am I on speaker phone?

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89. Is anybody else in the...

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90. Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.

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91. Ok. Let's just go to a motel...

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92. ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.

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93. Still on speaker?

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94. Are camera's there?

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95. See you soon.

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96. I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.

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97. You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company.

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98. I've never told you that I love you.

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99. I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.

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100. What's this over the 'i'?

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