Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 30)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 30 of 40

1. I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.

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2. Obviously I'm going to clean up.

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3. Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, 'Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance,' and then you have to be like, 'Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!' And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. Sex also works.

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4. Hey! Tuna! He's back.

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5. Oh, look at this. Tuna wrap.

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6. Hand roll.

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7. Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?

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8. What's up, gangstas?

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9. Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.

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10. No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.

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11. Here, right there. Down the hatch.

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12. Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.

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13. Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu.

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14. I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.

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15. No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?

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16. Do you know why you never heard of it?

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17. Covered it up.

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18. They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.

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19. My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.

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20. Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.

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21. Why? Everybody's heard it.

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22. Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.

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23. Why? Why?

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24. His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.

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25. Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.

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26. We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?

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27. I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your.

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28. I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

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29. Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.

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30. Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.

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31. I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye.

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32. Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does.

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33. Oh!

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34. Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?

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35. There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old.

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36. Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?

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37. Hey, we'll be just fine.

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38. Oh, whew!

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39. Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.

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40. So you effectively spent what...four dollars on the entire office?

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41. You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you-

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42. Everyone, this is Officer Foley from the Scranton PD. Works down at the courthouse. I think he has something he's like to say.

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43. No.

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44. That is so offensive and ridiculous. I-

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45. Ho hah!....oh, shoot.

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46. Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

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47. Dwight, I have exciting news for you.

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48. I think you're going to like it.

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49. Oooh, maybe I can. I got an email... from corporate....that told me that...

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50. That...you got a promotion! Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.

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51. No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.

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52. And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.

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53. Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.

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54. Uh yeah, look at that.

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55. Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later.

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56. You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?

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57. Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?

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58. They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.

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59. Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin.

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60. You have your team.

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61. Mooshie mooshie.

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62. Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.

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63. Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys!

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64. I use the word 'guys' a lot when I'm nervous...guys.

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65. Guys! Guys! Guys!

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66. Guys..

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67. Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.

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68. Wha-

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69. OK, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly, so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out.

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70. No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.

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71. Five to six hours?

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72. No no no no.

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73. Nope.

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74. Thirty minutes!

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75. Or both?

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76. Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.

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77. Thank you.

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78. Thank you.

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79. Yeah, wow. It's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter?

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80. Well...

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81. Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?

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82. Well it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in..

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83. Tuns, I'm really sorry. You're too essential to the operation here, I can't let you go.

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84. OK, listen up everyone, here's who's going to Florida: Kathy..

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85. '.Stanley..

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86. ...Ryan...

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87. ...Erin...

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88. ...And, Jim.

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89. Safe travels.

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90. Oh, K. It's only three weeks.

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91. Ahh! Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.

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92. It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... I thought that would be cooler.

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93. Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.

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94. Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. In the trash.

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95. Oh! There we go! Pam?

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96. Can you get the phone?

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97. Mm, well, you used to be.

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98. Phone's ringing.

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99. Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?

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100. Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.

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