Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 29)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 29 of 40

1. For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them.

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2. Oh, I see.

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3. Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold....

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4. Alright, you got it.

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5. ...and an American Express green card.

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6. Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days.

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7. Well I'll do you one better.

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8. I got you health insurance.

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9. Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office.

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10. Yes!

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11. It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!

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12. Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?

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13. Books! Excellent, Jim.

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14. Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper?

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15. I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!

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16. Yes!

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17. Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.

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18. Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to 'play ball.' Those were his words.

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19. So make that error!

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20. Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.

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21. It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. What do you say?

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22. Oh.

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23. What?

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24. You know what? Go. Have fun.

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25. There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.

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26. I didn't even say what it is.

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27. But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase...

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28. Yeah? You like it?

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29. All right.

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30. I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, 'this sounds really stupid.'

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31. There is one problem with this plan.

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32. We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this.

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33. You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.

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34. I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it.

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35. Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?

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36. It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. Not anything.

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37. Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.

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38. A-team.

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39. All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except...

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40. Oh, we got this!

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41. Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.

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42. You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.

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43. So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.

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44. Whoo! Yeah!

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45. Go Einsteins!

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46. Oh, come on!

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47. Einsteins! Great work.

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48. You know what I thought would be fun? Is we do like uh, a switch-em-up maybe? Since only one of us needs to win, maybe I can get Kevin and Kelly and put together an all-star team?

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49. Alright. Well just stay focused, try to concentrate.

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50. Alright, if you're not going to help us out by buying our own paper, could you sell eight hundred dollars more paper than usual today? That would be amazing.

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51. Not helping, tuna.

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52. We gotta figure this out. Think of the look on Robert's face when we tell him we met our 8% goal.

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53. No, that's why...that's why I said think of it.

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54. Have I mentioned that it's also quite good for amateur animation? Took me two weeks.

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55. Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.

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56. My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...

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57. Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.

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58. Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.

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59. Oh.

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60. Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.

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61. Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener.

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62. No, I'm good.

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63. Hi.

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64. It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.

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65. Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.

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66. No. What?

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67. All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.

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68. Okay.

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69. In a minute. In a minute.

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70. A minute would be cool.

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71. Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?

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72. Where...

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73. No thanks.

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74. Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.

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75. I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?

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76. The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?

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77. You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.

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78. Yeah!

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79. Yeah!

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80. Yay! Whoa!

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81. I cannot believe you're still up!

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82. Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-

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83. Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.

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84. Mmm.

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85. Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.

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86. We're done. Erin and I are over.

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87. Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.

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88. Wow.

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89. Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?

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90. Duh.

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91. Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.

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92. Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.

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93. Hey.

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94. Yeah, it sounds like it.

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95. Bring it on guys.

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96. Let's go before I vomit.

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97. Alright! Here we go.

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98. Hey! High-five!

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99. Val, I need the space.

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100. Everybody out.

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