Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 28)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 28 of 40

1. Cameras...

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2. It just was one of those things-

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3. Yes?

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4. No games?

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5. Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, 'in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.'

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6. I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.

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7. No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.

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8. No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!

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9. Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.

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10. I think we've got ourselves an answer.

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11. That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.

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12. Uh...

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13. Yep.

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14. Hey, Mrs. California.

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15. You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.

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16. Yeah.

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17. Yeah.

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18. Who knows?

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19. Totally.

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20. Hmm?

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21. So, Roberto Californio doesn't want to work with his wife. I get it. And, he wants to give his wife a job. Totally get it. What I am struggling with is the part of this that's impossible.

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22. Ugh! He's always one step ahead of us! How does he do that?

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23. Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.

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24. Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?

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25. What's that, Stanley?

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26. It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.

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27. Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.

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28. That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.

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29. Light side.

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30. As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront.

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31. So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.

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32. Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?

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33. Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.

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34. Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.

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35. Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up.

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36. Oh, thank you.

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37. Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.

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38. It wasn't either of you.

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39. Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.

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40. Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!

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41. Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.

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42. Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.

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43. You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.

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44. My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.

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45. Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. Hi.

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46. Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.

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47. Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.

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48. What?

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49. Oh no.

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50. Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis.

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51. Edgy impressions.

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52. How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.

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53. Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.

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54. Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.

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55. What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight.

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56. OK!

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57. Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um...

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58. Yeah, uh, excuse me.

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59. Yep. Hey!

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60. Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?

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61. OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.

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62. Ah, OK.

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63. That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.

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64. You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.

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65. Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.

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66. I swear...

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67. I was too embarrassed!

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68. Um.

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69. Cici is Jim's daughter.

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70. I know who did this....Dwight.

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71. Dwight.

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72. Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.

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73. It's, I mean.

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74. You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?

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75. Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?

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76. No...I don't, hmm, I don't know.

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77. By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work.

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78. Alright, I'll tell Dwight.

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79. Christmas miracles do happen.

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80. OK great.

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81. Perfect.

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82. I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish.

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83. OK, bye. Alright Meredith,

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84. You bet.

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85. Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer,

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86. Let's go, let's go.

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87. Hang on.

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88. What?

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89. What is all that?

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90. It's junk!

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91. You're a hoarder. My god!

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92. Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.

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93. Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.

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94. Oh my god.

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95. Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.

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96. I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home.

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97. Whoo.

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98. Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency.

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99. It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.

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100. Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.

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