Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 22)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 22 of 40

1. Why not. Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.

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2. Oooh.

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3. Well played.

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4. We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.

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5. Well that's Dallas.

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6. You cant go, you're dead, I shot you 5 moves ago.

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7. That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself.

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8. I wasn't even trying to make a joke. But I guess I've always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.

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9. Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call...

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10. I... don't know. Help me.

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11. I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...

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12. I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.

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13. ...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.

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14. I wasn't taking a position. It's just one of those things where-

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15. Yeah, right, I mean-

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16. Let's see if they have my favorite teas in here...

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17. [drinks hand soap]

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18. I guess this is my life now.

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19. Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.

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20. A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael.

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21. I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything.

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22. Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

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23. Hey!

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24. Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?

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25. Okay! That's so weird! Just go away!

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26. Hi Tuna.

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27. Wow.

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28. You know I'm the worst salesman here right?

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29. I'm gonna lose 'em.

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30. I promise you that I will.

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31. No.

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32. I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em!

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33. Hey.

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34. I'm going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up.

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35. I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.

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36. What do I know?

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37. Yeah.

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38. Yeah!

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39. Alright.

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40. No. I don't.

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41. Awwhh, wow.

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42. Oh, okay...

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43. Mmhmmm.

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44. Uh Deangelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car.

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45. Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.

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46. Hey! Good job boss!

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47. Hey!

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48. Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.

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49. I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. Got some extra balls! Hey-hey-hey-ho!

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50. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the 'Vagina Monologues' called the 'Penis Apologies.' So I know a thing or two.

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51. How could I not see it? You're so right.

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52. And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls?

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53. Yes! I'm in.

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54. I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. What's up, mancave!

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55. Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles --

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56. In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so...

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57. I know, right?

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58. Yeah?

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59. Sure. What's going on?

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60. What?

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61. No, this is horrifying.

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62. We're just friends, okay?

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63. Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?

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64. Pam, I have to show you this video. You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling with a fart mixed in.

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65. Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable.

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66. Aah! Aah! It's so loud!

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67. Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C.

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68. Something's definitely wrong.

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69. I think I should go the hospital.

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70. Thank you, Darryl.

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71. It's my ear.

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72. Okay, sorry.

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73. Hey. We're back.

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74. Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.

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75. Yeah.

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76. Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.

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77. We have to clean this up now!

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78. No!

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79. Uh...

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80. Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying...

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81. And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.

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82. [puts up a poster in the break room with 'IF YOU ARE ON THE SEARCH COMMITTEE PLEASE CONSIDER ANDY' on it in bold lettering]

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83. The manager job? Nah, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it. You know, it's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace.

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84. Don't even... EEEHHHH!!!!

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85. EEEHHH!! No. Hehe.

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86. In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... we'll see what Rosa comes back with.

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87. Good luck, Darryl.

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88. Okay, guys, it's time. It's pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear.

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89. Augh.

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90. For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here...

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91. I wasn't acc-, accusing...

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92. Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone.

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93. What?

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94. Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows?

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95. Uh, 93 million miles.

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96. Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,...

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97. I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I WANTED IT TO GO BETTER!!

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98. Hey, Erin.

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99. Where'd you learn how to puppet like that?

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100. Listen, I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should.

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