Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 20)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 20 of 40

1. Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II.

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2. This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!

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3. I'm like a quarter of the way through.

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4. No.

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5. Yeah.

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6. Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away.

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7. Yeah. Right.

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8. Let's just jump in the air!

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9. Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.

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10. Yea?

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11. All good, Santa.

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12. Hello Kitty's for girls.

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13. That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?

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14. Is it criminal?

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15. Have we heard of it?

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16. Oh, Scranton Strangler!

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17. I bought these.

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18. These cookies are fine.

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19. I will help. Although my 'brid', my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.

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20. I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.

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21. You know Darryl?

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22. I should come along, just 'cause he's my, you know, he's my hookup.

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23. It's cool, Darryl, I'm here too.

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24. Come on, it'll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.

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25. Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won't you be my Christmas tree.

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26. Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?

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27. I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

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28. Yes.

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29. Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap, so...

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30. Why would anyone frame you for that?

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31. I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.

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32. Wahhh...

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33. No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?

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34. Do you know the other state?

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35. The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear!

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36. Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.

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37. Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.

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38. No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

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39. That's a good one.

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40. You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.

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41. The bookstore?

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42. All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.

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43. Hi.

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44. Let us know if you need anything.

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45. Why did we pretend like we work here?

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46. Good!

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47. We kinda nailed it.

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48. Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.

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49. I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.

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50. Roller derby practice!

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51. Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.

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52. I said no hits!

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53. Hey! Where did you go?

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54. Oh, cool.

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55. Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.

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56. And where did you go?

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57. That's actually 'Master of Ceremonies' Bernard.

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58. Last year, I went to a seminar called 'The Ten Secrets of Real Estate'. Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.

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59. Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.

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60. Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.

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61. No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,

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62. If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.

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63. You can't. You can't.

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64. I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.

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65. They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.

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66. Stanley, you're suppose to close.

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67. What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.

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68. Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.

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69. Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.

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70. Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?

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71. I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.

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72. Can you do it?

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73. So no?

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74. What do I put you down for, bro hombre?

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75. All right!

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76. Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.

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77. What?

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78. Kevin, you open it up.

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79. Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!

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80. Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.

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81. Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, 'Don't Just Dream it, do it.' Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.

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82. Are you okay?

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83. Here...

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84. I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...

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85. What are you...

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86. That brilliant little bitch.

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87. Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton.

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88. Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.

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89. Thank you.

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90. Really?

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91. Excuse me.

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92. Hey, do you need a lozenge?

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93. What?

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94. [to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis]: Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.

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95. Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?

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96. Maybe. Only maybe.

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97. Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...

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98. Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.

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99. Yeah, yeah.

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100. This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.

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