Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 17)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 17 of 40

1. In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce.

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2. Not this time.

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3. This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is.

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4. Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out.

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5. Oh, really? I thought you were the boss.

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6. Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum

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7. Baseball!

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8. Where?

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9. Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!

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10. And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain.

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11. Whatever. I'm the one blending in.

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12. Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.

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13. I know it's like cricket.

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14. And it's--there's-- well, home plate is like a wicket.

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15. Seems pretty well liked by the team.

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16. You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players.

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17. Great game, coach.

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18. You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life.

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19. Ha. The other guys can go die.

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20. Baseball! Go talk to him.

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21. Shane. Great game man!

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22. No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us.

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23. Ha. No. No. But we're gay for baseball.

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24. But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot.

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25. Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage.

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26. I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person.

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27. I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife.

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28. Of course.

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29. But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon!

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30. Come on, get over here.

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31. Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach.

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32. I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior.

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33. Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to.

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34. If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

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35. So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?

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36. Uh...

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37. I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!

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38. Okay? I, I... didn't do it.

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39. I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.

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40. I don't care, that's how much I swear!

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41. I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.

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42. What? Based on what?

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43. Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim.

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44. Gabe, I told you all about the printers.

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45. You're going to believe that guy?

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46. Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag?

    Season 6 · Episode 24 · Line 38395

47. Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I...

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48. Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either.

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49. Hey.

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50. Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do.

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51. Go, go, go, go!

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52. Toby, how did we do?

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53. Whoo! We did it!

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54. Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.

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55. And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.

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56. Hey!

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57. Not at all.

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58. Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.

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59. New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.

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60. That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

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61. Clutch cream run, bro.

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62. You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A.

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63. This kid's costing us sales, Michael.

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64. Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye.

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65. No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.

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66. Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!

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67. Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.

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68. Dwight?

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69. Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the 'F' word?

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70. No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you.

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71. Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? How about now? How about now? How about now?

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72. Pretty Woman.

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73. Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like,' I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me.' And the shop girl goes, 'ok'. And Julia Roberts goes,' You girls work on commission, right?' And the girl is like,'Yeah', and Julia Roberts goes...

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74. I was telling that... I was telling that.

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75. A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.

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76. If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.

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77. I think he's got it!

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78. [fanfare]

    Season 7 · Episode 2 · Line 38810

79. After you.

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80. No.

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81. Steven Sondheim.

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82. We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.

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83. Like a month ago.

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84. Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant.

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85. What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.

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86. Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

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87. Everyone.

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88. What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?

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89. 8pm sharp.

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90. Hour forty-five.

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91. Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?

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92. Dwight?

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93. It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.

    Season 7 · Episode 3 · Line 38952

94. If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.

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95. This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?

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96. Noishe!

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97. Hey, how are those salads?

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98. My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...

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99. Yes!

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100. Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.

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