Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 18)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 18 of 40

1. Yeah, I know. Neiche!

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2. Guys?

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3. You all made it, thank you so much.

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4. She's babysitting?

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5. I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her.

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6. Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute 'break a legs' or 'I still love you' type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.

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7. Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!

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8. That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away.

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9. Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak.

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10. You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...

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11. A madhouse.

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12. Yes, a madhouse.

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13. Do you think... so you think...

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14. That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.

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15. Are you ready?

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16. Ah! Blood everywhere.

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17. Yeah, me, too.

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18. Okay.

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19. These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.

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20. Awesome.

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21. See you later.

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22. Yeah, I guess you could say that.

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23. It was like amateur hour.

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24. Stop just saying that.

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25. Thank you. That feels good.

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26. Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.

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27. Okay, all right, all right, all right.

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28. [sings Macy Gray's 'I Try' and everyone joins in]

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29. Uhh, beg your pardon?

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30. Very very smart.

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31. Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow!

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32. Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?

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33. You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.

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34. Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?

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35. What do you mean again?

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36. Maybe like a year ago...

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37. No, that's...

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38. Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.

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39. It's the world's only international sport!

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40. Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.

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41. So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia.

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42. What, is it because he's black?

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43. Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia.

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44. It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.

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45. Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?

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46. Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...

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47. Express love, magical.

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48. Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?

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49. Then I will write it down.

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50. I actually had that down in the cons column, but...

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51. Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk.

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52. Yes! Thank you! Such as?

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53. Yes, unplanned pregnancy.

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54. Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.

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55. Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?

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56. Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence.

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57. I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody?

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58. Well someone could answer if they want to. Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil.

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59. What?

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60. Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.

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61. I'm doing this for you Meredith!

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62. Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?!

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63. I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.

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64. How is that relevant to anything?

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65. The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.

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66. No I'm just sweating.

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67. I'm not crying I'm just sweating.

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68. Ok.

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69. Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God!

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70. No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook.

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71. Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.''

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72. Yeah, yeah, it's great...

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73. I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh.

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74. Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute?

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75. Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com.

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76. I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards.

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77. This is for pleasure.

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78. I'm willing to pay you.

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79. Yeah.

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80. Sixty bucks a session.

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81. Yes!

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82. Please Mr. President-

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83. Yeah.

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84. Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto.

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85. Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul.

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86. That's a lie.

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87. I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs.

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88. Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four-

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89. Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?

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90. But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?

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91. I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics.

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92. Rude. And not helpful.

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93. Well, that...really bums me out.

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94. Thanks, Kevin.

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95. Reverse snobbery.

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96. Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.

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97. Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing!

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98. Which me am I gonna be today?

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99. I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?

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100. Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour?

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