Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 16)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 16 of 40

1. Oh, baloney.

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2. Ring her up.

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3. Ha! Knew it!

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4. Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. Are you going later?

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5. Yes.

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6. Whoa.

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7. We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.

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8. Yeah, cause when everyone knows- That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.

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9. Hey, boss man.

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10. A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?

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11. I'm sorry, I meant later.

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12. For happy hour?

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13. Trying to get a head count.

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14. All right, yes! It's a deal.

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15. Whoa! What is crackin?

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16. Yeah, how do you play?

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17. Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?

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18. They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'

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19. Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.

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20. No drama. Ok.

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21. Did you tell them?

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22. This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!

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23. We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.

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24. Hi.

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25. I don't normally do this, but...

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26. Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.

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27. What are you doing?

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28. We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!

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29. Get in here. Where did you learn to talk like that?

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30. Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?

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31. This is not what I want my relationship to look like.

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32. Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.

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33. You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.

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34. I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.

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35. This is awesome!

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36. It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture.. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.

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37. I do.

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38. If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

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39. I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.

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40. Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing..

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41. That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

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42. She's gonna be so psyched.

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43. So... how was lunch?

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44. Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?

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45. Well, I know. Just want... I mean...

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46. Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.

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47. I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.

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48. Specific shout-out..

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49. Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three..

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50. Can we talk about this in private?

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51. Yes.

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52. Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?

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53. I was going to tell her, just on my own time.

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54. Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things.

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55. Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.

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56. A year.

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57. Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...

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58. I didn't see that movie.

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59. Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day.

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60. Well, why don't you just move the M&M's?

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61. Ehh.

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62. You know, when I tore my scrote, I was, uh... I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, and thought she was into me. But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff to bill my HMO. You know, she's touching around down there. It's easy to get confused.

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63. Walk around apple orchards.

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64. Super romantic.

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65. How many dates have you been on?

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66. Mm.

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67. Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire.

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68. Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important.

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69. Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire.

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70. What are we gonna do about this?

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71. Let me know what they say.

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72. What do you mean?

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73. I don't know.

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74. What's up? I got your e-mail.

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75. Okay.

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76. Such as?

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77. What? You don't know what it meant? How about 'Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?'

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78. Yeah. Hah. Hoo.

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79. Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this.

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80. Your text said 911.

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81. What's bad?

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82. Oh, God.

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83. I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.

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84. Yeah.

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85. There what is?

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86. We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress.

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87. Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much.

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88. Higher? Okay. Recently certain events have come to my attention...

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89. Make it higher? Okay.

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90. I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...

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91. May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... ah! It's working. It's... I knew it!

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92. We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.

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93. No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.

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94. Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.

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95. How does he feel about it?

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96. Did Donna tell you that?

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97. So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.

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98. My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.

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99. So... here's the thing about infidelity.

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100. How does that work?

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