Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 13)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 13 of 40

1. All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.

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2. Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!

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3. It's John Gotti, you idiot!

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4. Yeah. It's pretty close.

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5. Already? This, this guy is persistent!

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6. Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.

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7. That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!

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8. Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!

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9. That's how it works!

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10. When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back

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11. Dwight...

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12. Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.

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13. Okay.

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14. I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.

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15. No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.

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16. Well you're gonna have to. Dwight: We'll be right beside you.

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17. What?

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18. Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.

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19. To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.

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20. Should I change?

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21. Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.

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22. Oh! God!

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23. Hi.

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24. Hmm. Very true.

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25. You know, gabba-gool.

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26. Maybe we have a plan for you?

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27. Yeeeeah.

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28. Yes I can.

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29. Okay!

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30. Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.

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31. You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.

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32. So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.

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33. Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.

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34. It was before, my tech- my technical training.

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35. Do it.

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36. Just do it.

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37. You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.

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38. He's alive. So you're welcome.

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39. Yeah, some of that existed before.

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40. You're right, that is new.

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41. Well I don't see that happening.

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42. Are you saying-

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43. That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?

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44. That seems a little far-fetched.

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45. No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.

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46. Class act. Boy scout.

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47. He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.

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48. Whoa. Okay.

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49. Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!

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50. You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!

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51. Sure thing, Tuna Boss.

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52. How may I be of service to you?

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53. This aurea is a joke.

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54. What are you thinking?

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55. Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.

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56. I know, right?

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57. Trust me it would only make you mad.

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58. Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?

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59. That is not okay dude.

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60. WB!

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61. Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls.

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62. Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.

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63. Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.

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64. Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. Suite 401.

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65. We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio.

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66. Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.

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67. Sha-bow.

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68. Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.

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69. Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.

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70. Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.

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71. No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.

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72. Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.

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73. That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.

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74. Well-

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75. Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-

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76. I love to dance-

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77. Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room-

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78. Yeah. We are thrilled.

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79. In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?

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80. Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.

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81. Yeah.

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82. One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!

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83. Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me.

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84. Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too.

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85. Message received, little soy bean.

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86. Well, that went pretty well.

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87. We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it.

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88. You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.

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89. Yeah.

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90. What the heck was that?

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91. Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy.

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92. No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?

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93. I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single.

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94. What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool.

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95. You think I can do better?

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96. Gotta get my goin' out on.

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97. Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?

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98. Thanks.

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99. Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.

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100. Yes! And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.

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