Andy Bernard Quotes from The Office (page 4)

Cornell graduate, a cappella soloist, the Nard Dog.

3,969 quotes · page 4 of 40

1. Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!

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2. Sweet.

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3. Oh, my God!

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4. I had no idea.

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5. How could I not have realized?

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6. Yeah, she does, doesn't she?

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7. She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman.

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8. Chicken pot pie.

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9. That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation.

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10. She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to.

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11. I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods.

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12. No, we were really making out in the woods.

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13. I gotta go talk to her.

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14. Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: broken.

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15. Who's this guy?

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16. You're such a liar.

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17. Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes.

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18. Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me.

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19. What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need...

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20. ...your help. I love her.

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21. Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach?

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22. Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets.

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23. Jamie, can I talk to you for a second?

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24. What?

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25. What happened? What can I do to help?

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26. I'll check the web.

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27. If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models.

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28. I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.

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29. This guy looks like a real deviant.

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30. Aye, aye, Cap'n.

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31. Think we'll find him?

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32. Halvsies?

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33. Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot.

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34. Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera.

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35. Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'?

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36. Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you.

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37. Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust.

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38. I should make you my vichyssoise.

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39. Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school.

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40. You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous.

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41. We will be team U.S.A.

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42. Phyllis is out. Yes! Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good.

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43. Don't worry. You're not...

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44. No where near the big rock.

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45. What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified.

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46. I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard!

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47. Great job everyone, that was fantastic.

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48. I am so hungry!

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49. One came up.

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50. I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words.

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51. Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.

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52. Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon!

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53. Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody!

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54. Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously!

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55. Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!

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56. Angela!

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57. Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?

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58. Nice!

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59. It is an honor just to be considered for Michael's job. Honestly. And if I win it, then I will be ordering a pretty sizeable Most Improved Player plaque to put over the hole I punched in the wall.

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60. Keep eating tuna, Big Tuna. Loser!

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61. Wait!

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62. Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.

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63. What is it, Big Haircut?

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64. Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut.

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65. What?

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66. I will see you at the inter-view.

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67. Saving the best for first!

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68. White, because it contains all other colors.

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69. You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.

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70. The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.

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71. Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.

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72. I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

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73. I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.

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74. Damn it!

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75. Hail to the chief!

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76. My first order of business: accept.

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77. Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad.

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78. That's it!

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79. Class is canceled, everybody out!

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80. I'm punishing them.

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81. It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall.

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82. This is gonna look so awesome!

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83. Totally!

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84. When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi...

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85. It is the source of all energy on this planet.

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86. I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... and quick on my feet.

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87. Trick question. There was no second man on the moon.

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88. Eli Edison.

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89. Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere.

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90. Re-suture. Sutures, yes.

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91. 17 B.C.

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92. Did you see who did it?

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93. Isn't that your money?

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94. I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions.

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95. Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat.

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96. I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance.

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97. Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.

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98. Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.

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99. Ay-o!

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100. Then... what are you saying?

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