Jim

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22914

Dwight

This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22915

Ryan

Kelly.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22916

Kelly

Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22917

Ryan

I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22918

Kelly

Cool.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22919

Ryan

We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22920

Kelly

Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so...

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22921

Ryan

That--- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22922

Kelly

It's a small office.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22923

Ryan

Yeah.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22924

Dwight

Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22925

Phyllis

Yes you were.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22926

Dwight

But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22927

Phyllis

Split the commission?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22928

Dwight

Sixty - forty. Hm? I'll drive.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22929

Ryan

[exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan]

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22930

Holly

Dieting's only half of it.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22931

Michael

Mmm-hmm. Saunas.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22932

Holly

And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22933

Michael

Gah, the dreadmill.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22934

Jim

Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22935

Friend

Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22936

Pam

What?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22937

Friend

My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22938

Pam

Really, where?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22939

Friend

No no! Don't look!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22940

Pam

Wow, was it the age difference?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22941

Friend

Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22942

Pam

Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22943

Phyllis

Are you insane?!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22944

Dwight

Hey, hey!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22945

Oscar

Oh my God, what happened?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22946

Phyllis

There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22947

Dwight

And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22948

Phyllis

You left me in a bad part of town!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22949

Dwight

Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? You look great. I can definitely see the difference.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22950

Phyllis

Phyllis Vance for David Wallace.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22951

Holly

...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---'

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22952

Michael

Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22953

Holly

What are you doing?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22954

Jim

Fair question.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22955

Michael

I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22956

Michael

It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22957

Michael

Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22958

Jim

See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22959

Michael

If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, 'Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?'

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22960

Kevin

Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22961

Michael

How do you know Michael Clump?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22962

Oscar

Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22963

Michael

How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22964

Oscar

I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22965

Dwight

No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22966

Michael

No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22967

Dwight

Vamping.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22968

Michael

Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22969

Dwight

Eh, I've been sitting all day.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22970

Michael

We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. Hey. Hey. You shaved?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22971

Ryan

I did.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22972

Michael

Why?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22973

Ryan

[at a loss for words]

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22974

Professor

So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. Others feel that fungus is do to an over---

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22975

Pam

Nice.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22976

Professor

Quiet please.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22977

Pam

Sorry.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22978

Friend

Sorry.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22979

Michael

Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22980

Dwight

She should thank me.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22981

Michael

Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22982

Phyllis

Why should I have to thank him?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22983

Michael

You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22984

Dwight

I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22985

Michael

Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? Let's all clap at Phyllis. Ok! When Michael Clump wants to remind you that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22986

Ryan

Everything. She's perfect.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22987

Meredith

I like her nails.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22988

Michael

Ok, be more specific.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22989

Meredith

I like her fingernails.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22990

Phyllis

I like her purple dress.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22991

Michael

What about her looks?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22992

Creed

Hell of an ass.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22993

Kelly

...what else do people like?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22994

Phyllis

I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22995

Michael

Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22996

Kelly

I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22997

Michael

I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. Mmmmmm.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22998

Jim

Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22999

Michael

Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23000

Ryan

Oh...

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23001

Michael

Ahaha, Yep!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23002

Oscar

How was Friday night?

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23003

Holly

Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so...

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23004

Oscar

He'll call.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23005

Michael

Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23006

Darryl

You guys lost four pounds.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23007

Michael

Hey!

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23008

Darryl

I say we have a parade.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23009

Dwight

We better.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23010

Michael

Excellent! Good job.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23011

Jim

So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so...

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23012

Pam

You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.

Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 23013

"Weight Loss" Quotes (page 4)