Every quote from The Office season 5, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 25, 2008.
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Jim
I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22814
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Michael
Yes, all right. Who else? Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22815
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Angela
No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22816
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Michael
If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22817
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Jim
Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22818
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Michael
This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22819
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Jim
All right, I'm taking off.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22820
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Michael
Booty call.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22821
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Jim
Nope, just going to see Pam.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22822
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Michael
Here.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22823
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Jim
Maybe put up some shelves.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22824
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Michael
Wait a second. I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22825
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Jim
OK, thank you for ... this.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22826
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Michael
You want more?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22827
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Jim
No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22828
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Andy
I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22829
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Angela
It's not my problem.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22830
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Andy
Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22831
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Angela
That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22832
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Andy
Sweetheart. Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22833
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Andy
Hey-oh!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22834
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Angela
I know I haven't made this easy on you.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22835
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Jim
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22836
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Pam
Hi. Mmm. 'Cause--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22837
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Jim
Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22838
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Michael
It's a pretty lame party.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22839
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Ronnie
Does anyone want to dance?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22840
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Jim
Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22841
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Phyllis
Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22842
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Stanley
I don't like cake anymore
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22843
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Andy
Why not, dawg?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22844
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Stanley
Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22845
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Dwight
Michael, we have a situation.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22846
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Dwight
They should not be in that room.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22847
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Holly
That's so lame they didn't invite us.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22848
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Michael
You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22849
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Dwight
Yeah!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22850
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Michael
Let's go mini-golfing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22851
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Holly
Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22852
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Michael
Uh...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22853
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Holly
It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22854
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Michael
Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22855
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Dwight
Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22856
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Michael
You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22857
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Holly
Really?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22858
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22859
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Holly
Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22860
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Michael
Good luck.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22861
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Michael
Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22862
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Dwight
Party's over. You are so busted!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22863
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Michael
OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22864
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Phyllis
You said fruit, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22865
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Michael
And what is that?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22866
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Phyllis
Cake.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22867
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Michael
You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22868
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Dwight
Happy Birthday, Stanley!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22869
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Holly
It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22870
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Kevin
What?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22871
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Creed
Oh nothing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22872
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Kelly
It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22873
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Kelly
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22874
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Creed
That wasn't a tapeworm.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22875
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Ryan
How's my favorite branch doing? All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22876
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Michael
Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22877
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Ryan
And you got a goatee!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22878
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Michael
I did!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22879
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Ryan
Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22880
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Michael
Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22881
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Kevin
Firrrrre-duh guy!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22882
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Ryan
Hey Kevin... That's really funny.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22883
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22884
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Ryan
It's great to see you Kev.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22885
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Kevin
You too.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22886
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Ryan
I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22887
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Ryan
Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22888
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Jim
Well that's great. You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22889
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Ryan
I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22890
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Jim
But he did, right?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22891
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Ryan
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22892
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Jim
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22893
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Ryan
[glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list]
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22894
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Darryl
Well you lost zero pounds. No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22895
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Michael
Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22896
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Andy
Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22897
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Holly
Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22898
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Andy
NO! I want names!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22899
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Andy
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22900
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Oscar
So how was your date?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22901
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Holly
Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22902
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Michael
[groans painfully]
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22903
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Holly
What's wrong?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22904
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Michael
Mmm--- mmm... Um...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22905
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Michael
Close the door. This is your fault.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22906
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Jim
Nope.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22907
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Michael
Your stupid friend zone.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22908
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Jim
Mmm.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22909
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Michael
I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22910
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Dwight
Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22911
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Jim
How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22912
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Dwight
I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22913