Every line from The Office season 5, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 25, 2008.
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Jim
I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22814
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Michael
Yes, all right. Who else? Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22815
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Angela
No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22816
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Michael
If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22817
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Jim
Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22818
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Michael
This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22819
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Jim
All right, I'm taking off.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22820
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Michael
Booty call.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22821
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Jim
Nope, just going to see Pam.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22822
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Michael
Here.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22823
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Jim
Maybe put up some shelves.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22824
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Michael
Wait a second. I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22825
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Jim
OK, thank you for ... this.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22826
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Michael
You want more?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22827
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Jim
No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22828
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Andy
I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22829
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Angela
It's not my problem.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22830
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Andy
Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22831
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Angela
That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22832
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Andy
Sweetheart. Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22833
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Andy
Hey-oh!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22834
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Angela
I know I haven't made this easy on you.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22835
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Jim
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22836
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Pam
Hi. Mmm. 'Cause--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22837
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Jim
Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22838
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Michael
It's a pretty lame party.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22839
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Ronnie
Does anyone want to dance?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22840
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Jim
Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22841
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Phyllis
Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22842
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Stanley
I don't like cake anymore
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22843
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Andy
Why not, dawg?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22844
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Stanley
Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22845
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Dwight
Michael, we have a situation.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22846
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Dwight
They should not be in that room.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22847
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Holly
That's so lame they didn't invite us.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22848
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Michael
You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22849
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Dwight
Yeah!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22850
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Michael
Let's go mini-golfing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22851
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Holly
Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22852
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Michael
Uh...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22853
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Holly
It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22854
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Michael
Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22855
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Dwight
Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22856
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Michael
You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22857
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Holly
Really?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22858
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22859
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Holly
Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22860
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Michael
Good luck.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22861
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Michael
Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22862
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Dwight
Party's over. You are so busted!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22863
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Michael
OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22864
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Phyllis
You said fruit, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22865
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Michael
And what is that?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22866
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Phyllis
Cake.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22867
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Michael
You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22868
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Dwight
Happy Birthday, Stanley!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22869
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Holly
It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22870
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Kevin
What?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22871
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Creed
Oh nothing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22872
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Kelly
It's just some of us are taking this really seriously.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22873
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Kelly
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22874
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Creed
That wasn't a tapeworm.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22875
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Ryan
How's my favorite branch doing? All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22876
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Michael
Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22877
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Ryan
And you got a goatee!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22878
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Michael
I did!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22879
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Ryan
Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22880
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Michael
Yes. Gooooo-tee!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22881
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Kevin
Firrrrre-duh guy!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22882
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Ryan
Hey Kevin... That's really funny.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22883
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22884
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Ryan
It's great to see you Kev.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22885
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Kevin
You too.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22886
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Ryan
I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22887
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Ryan
Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22888
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Jim
Well that's great. You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22889
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Ryan
I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22890
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Jim
But he did, right?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22891
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Ryan
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22892
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Jim
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22893
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Ryan
[glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list]
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22894
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Darryl
Well you lost zero pounds. No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22895
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Michael
Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22896
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Andy
Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22897
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Holly
Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22898
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Andy
NO! I want names!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22899
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Andy
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22900
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Oscar
So how was your date?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22901
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Holly
Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22902
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Michael
[groans painfully]
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22903
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Holly
What's wrong?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22904
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Michael
Mmm--- mmm... Um...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22905
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Michael
Close the door. This is your fault.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22906
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Jim
Nope.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22907
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Michael
Your stupid friend zone.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22908
-
Jim
Mmm.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22909
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Michael
I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22910
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Dwight
Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22911
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Jim
How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22912
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Dwight
I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22913