Every quote from The Office season 5, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 25, 2008.
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Michael
All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22614
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Dwight
From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22615
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Michael
This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22616
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Meredith
What should we do with all these leftovers?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22617
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Stanley
I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22618
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Dwight
No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22619
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Creed
I can bring these to my shelter.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22620
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Stanley
I'm taking my dumplings.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22621
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Dwight
There. Take those home to your wife.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22622
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Michael
Dwight, Dwight!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22623
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Dwight
Michael, it's time.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22624
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Dwight
Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22625
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Darryl
Don't go breaking my scale.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22626
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Andy
I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22627
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Holly
Ex-squeeze me.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22628
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Michael
No, I will ex-squeeze you.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22629
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Michael
OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22630
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Dwight
Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22631
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Jim
Really, nothing?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22632
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Darryl
2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22633
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Dwight
Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22634
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Michael
Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22635
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Dwight
Family only.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22636
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Darryl
All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22637
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Kevin
Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22638
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Holly
Almost, Kevin.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22639
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Pam
Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22640
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Holly
Math is hard.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22641
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22642
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Pam
Just, we'll just keep going.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22643
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Andy
I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22644
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Oscar
All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22645
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Andy
Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22646
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Oscar
OK. Stanley, come on.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22647
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Stanley
Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22648
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Stanley
I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22649
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Holly
And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22650
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Michael
Jimbo.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22651
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Jim
Ah, they moved the shower.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22652
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Michael
Did you see Holly's butt?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22653
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Jim
No, I didn't. You know why?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22654
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Michael
Why?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22655
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Jim
Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22656
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Michael
I know.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22657
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Jim
But what have you learned about her?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22658
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Michael
I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read 'Lonesome Dove' three times.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22659
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Jim
Nice.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22660
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Michael
And that her butt refuses to quit!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22661
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Jim
Well, I tried.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22662
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Michael
You have to agree with me. That's insane.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22663
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Jim
I'll just go later.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22664
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Michael
I thought you had to pee.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22665
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Dwight
[forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks]
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22666
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Oscar
Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22667
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Holly
Oh, thanks. I should check that out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22668
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Oscar
Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22669
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Holly
Actually, I'm a lesbian.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22670
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Oscar
I'm gay!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22671
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Holly
I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22672
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Oscar
What's the joke?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22673
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Holly
There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22674
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Oscar
Oh, you think it's a choice?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22675
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Holly
Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22676
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Oscar
I'm messing with you, Holly.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22677
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Holly
I knew that. OK, bye.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22678
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Oscar
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22679
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Jim
So you have the directions.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22680
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Pam
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22681
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Jim
You have a toothbrush.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22682
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Pam
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22683
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Jim
You have a cell phone charger.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22684
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Pam
I have everything.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22685
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Pam
Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. What up, 212?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22686
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Dwight
Fax this for me.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22687
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Jim
Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22688
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Dwight
It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22689
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Andy
Ang. Ela. Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22690
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Angela
What?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22691
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Andy
Hey, check it out. This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22692
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Andy
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22693
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Angela
No. No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22694
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Andy
This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22695
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Angela
I don't care.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22696
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Andy
OK. How do you feel about Maine? I'm on it. I'll see you later, love.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22697
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Dwight
Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22698
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Angela
Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22699
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Dwight
Monkey.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22700
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Angela
No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22701
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Michael
Hey, hey! Pam, Pam! Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22702
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Jim
What happened?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22703
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Michael
I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22704
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Pam
I should really get going.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22705
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Michael
No. OK. Um, the last word is 'seagulls.'
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22706
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Pam
I'm sure it was really lovely.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22707
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Michael
I took a lot from other poems.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22708
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Jim
Call me when you get in.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22709
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Pam
OK, bye.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22710
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Jim
Bye.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22711
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Michael
All right, call--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22712
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Pam
No, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22713