Every line from The Office season 5, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 25, 2008.
-
Michael
All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22614
-
Dwight
From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22615
-
Michael
This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22616
-
Meredith
What should we do with all these leftovers?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22617
-
Stanley
I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22618
-
Dwight
No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22619
-
Creed
I can bring these to my shelter.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22620
-
Stanley
I'm taking my dumplings.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22621
-
Dwight
There. Take those home to your wife.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22622
-
Michael
Dwight, Dwight!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22623
-
Dwight
Michael, it's time.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22624
-
Dwight
Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22625
-
Darryl
Don't go breaking my scale.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22626
-
Andy
I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22627
-
Holly
Ex-squeeze me.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22628
-
Michael
No, I will ex-squeeze you.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22629
-
Michael
OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22630
-
Dwight
Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22631
-
Jim
Really, nothing?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22632
-
Darryl
2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22633
-
Dwight
Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22634
-
Michael
Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22635
-
Dwight
Family only.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22636
-
Darryl
All right, got it. 2,210 pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22637
-
Kevin
Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22638
-
Holly
Almost, Kevin.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22639
-
Pam
Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22640
-
Holly
Math is hard.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22641
-
Kevin
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22642
-
Pam
Just, we'll just keep going.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22643
-
Andy
I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22644
-
Oscar
All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22645
-
Andy
Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22646
-
Oscar
OK. Stanley, come on.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22647
-
Stanley
Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22648
-
Stanley
I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22649
-
Holly
And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22650
-
Michael
Jimbo.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22651
-
Jim
Ah, they moved the shower.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22652
-
Michael
Did you see Holly's butt?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22653
-
Jim
No, I didn't. You know why?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22654
-
Michael
Why?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22655
-
Jim
Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22656
-
Michael
I know.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22657
-
Jim
But what have you learned about her?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22658
-
Michael
I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read 'Lonesome Dove' three times.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22659
-
Jim
Nice.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22660
-
Michael
And that her butt refuses to quit!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22661
-
Jim
Well, I tried.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22662
-
Michael
You have to agree with me. That's insane.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22663
-
Jim
I'll just go later.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22664
-
Michael
I thought you had to pee.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22665
-
Dwight
[forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks]
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22666
-
Oscar
Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22667
-
Holly
Oh, thanks. I should check that out.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22668
-
Oscar
Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22669
-
Holly
Actually, I'm a lesbian.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22670
-
Oscar
I'm gay!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22671
-
Holly
I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22672
-
Oscar
What's the joke?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22673
-
Holly
There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22674
-
Oscar
Oh, you think it's a choice?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22675
-
Holly
Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22676
-
Oscar
I'm messing with you, Holly.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22677
-
Holly
I knew that. OK, bye.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22678
-
Oscar
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22679
-
Jim
So you have the directions.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22680
-
Pam
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22681
-
Jim
You have a toothbrush.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22682
-
Pam
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22683
-
Jim
You have a cell phone charger.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22684
-
Pam
I have everything.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22685
-
Pam
Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. What up, 212?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22686
-
Dwight
Fax this for me.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22687
-
Jim
Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22688
-
Dwight
It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22689
-
Andy
Ang. Ela. Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22690
-
Angela
What?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22691
-
Andy
Hey, check it out. This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22692
-
Andy
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22693
-
Angela
No. No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22694
-
Andy
This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22695
-
Angela
I don't care.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22696
-
Andy
OK. How do you feel about Maine? I'm on it. I'll see you later, love.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22697
-
Dwight
Ahh. We done good in there, half pint.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22698
-
Angela
Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22699
-
Dwight
Monkey.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22700
-
Angela
No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22701
-
Michael
Hey, hey! Pam, Pam! Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22702
-
Jim
What happened?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22703
-
Michael
I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22704
-
Pam
I should really get going.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22705
-
Michael
No. OK. Um, the last word is 'seagulls.'
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22706
-
Pam
I'm sure it was really lovely.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22707
-
Michael
I took a lot from other poems.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22708
-
Jim
Call me when you get in.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22709
-
Pam
OK, bye.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22710
-
Jim
Bye.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22711
-
Michael
All right, call--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22712
-
Pam
No, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22713