Every line from The Office season 5, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 25, 2008.
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Jim
Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22714
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Michael
OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22715
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Angela
It doesn't matter, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22716
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Michael
Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22717
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Holly
Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22718
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Michael
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22719
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Darryl
OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22720
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Michael
All right!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22721
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Jim
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22722
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Michael
I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22723
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Holly
Wikka wikka wikka what?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22724
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Ronnie
Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22725
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Jim
I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22726
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Professor
Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22727
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Pam
I'm in the wrong class...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22728
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Professor
Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. And looks like I'm boring someone already.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22729
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Pam
Oh, no. I just--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22730
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Professor
Please sit down.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22731
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Holly
You're shaking. Are you all right?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22732
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Kelly
Just leave me alone!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22733
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Kelly
I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22734
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Ronnie
Hi, can I help you?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22735
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Jan
I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22736
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Kevin
Hi Jan.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22737
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Jan
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22738
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Kevin
How's the candle game?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22739
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Jan
Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22740
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Kevin
Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22741
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Jan
Oh, they found her?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22742
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Michael
Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. Come on. Let's go in.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22743
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Jim
When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22744
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Holly
Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22745
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Jan
That's his ex.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22746
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Holly
Oh, she's very beautiful.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22747
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Oscar
Yes, she is. And clinically insane.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22748
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Holly
So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22749
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Oscar
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22750
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Angela
Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22751
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Holly
No! You do not talk to him like that!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22752
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Angela
But he's an idiot!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22753
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Kevin
Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22754
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Holly
He is not an idiot!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22755
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Kevin
Thank you, Holly.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22756
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Holly
He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22757
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Kevin
Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22758
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Holly
Well, no. Dwight...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22759
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Angela
Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22760
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Holly
I'm sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22761
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Andy
Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22762
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Angela
Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22763
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Angela
Hurry, we have to make this fast.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22764
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Dwight
Let's do this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22765
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Angela
Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22766
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Angela
I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22767
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Jim
All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22768
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Pam
I can see you!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22769
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Jim
All right!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22770
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Pam
This is so cool.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22771
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Jim
So what is going on, girl in the computer?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22772
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Pam
Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22773
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Jim
Uh-huh.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22774
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Pam
Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22775
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Dwight
OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22776
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Michael
No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22777
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Pam
Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22778
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Michael
Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22779
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Pam
The nerve.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22780
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Michael
Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22781
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Pam
They're on the supply shelf.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22782
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Michael
Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22783
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Pam
New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22784
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Michael
OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22785
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Darryl
2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22786
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Michael
Damn it. Come on.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22787
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Oscar
Oh!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22788
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Kevin
Oh, my God!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22789
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Dwight
Come on, Bernard.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22790
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Michael
Here we go. Everybody on.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22791
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Dwight
All right, we're set.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22792
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Darryl
Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22793
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Kelly
I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22794
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Stanley
I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22795
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Phyllis
Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22796
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Phyllis
Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22797
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Michael
How's it going?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22798
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Phyllis
It's going well.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22799
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Michael
Good.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22800
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Holly
I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22801
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Michael
Cake? Who suggested cake?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22802
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Phyllis
We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22803
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Michael
Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22804
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Michael
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22805
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Michael
Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22806
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Dwight
Shotgun weddings.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22807
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Jim
That's not what that is.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22808
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Creed
Fright. Being scared to death.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22809
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Michael
No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22810
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Holly
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22811
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Dwight
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22812
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Michael
Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Line 22813