Every quote from The Office season 5, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 25, 2008.
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Jim
Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22714
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Michael
OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22715
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Angela
It doesn't matter, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22716
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Michael
Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22717
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Holly
Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22718
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Michael
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22719
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Darryl
OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22720
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Michael
All right!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22721
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Jim
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22722
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Michael
I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22723
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Holly
Wikka wikka wikka what?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22724
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Ronnie
Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22725
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Jim
I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22726
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Professor
Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22727
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Pam
I'm in the wrong class...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22728
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Professor
Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. And looks like I'm boring someone already.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22729
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Pam
Oh, no. I just--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22730
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Professor
Please sit down.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22731
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Holly
You're shaking. Are you all right?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22732
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Kelly
Just leave me alone!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22733
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Kelly
I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22734
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Ronnie
Hi, can I help you?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22735
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Jan
I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22736
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Kevin
Hi Jan.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22737
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Jan
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22738
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Kevin
How's the candle game?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22739
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Jan
Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22740
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Kevin
Cool. Thank God they found her, too.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22741
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Jan
Oh, they found her?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22742
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Michael
Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. Come on. Let's go in.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22743
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Jim
When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22744
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Holly
Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22745
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Jan
That's his ex.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22746
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Holly
Oh, she's very beautiful.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22747
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Oscar
Yes, she is. And clinically insane.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22748
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Holly
So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22749
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Oscar
OK.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22750
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Angela
Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22751
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Holly
No! You do not talk to him like that!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22752
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Angela
But he's an idiot!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22753
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Kevin
Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22754
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Holly
He is not an idiot!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22755
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Kevin
Thank you, Holly.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22756
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Holly
He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22757
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Kevin
Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22758
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Holly
Well, no. Dwight...
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22759
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Angela
Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22760
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Holly
I'm sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22761
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Andy
Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22762
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Angela
Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22763
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Angela
Hurry, we have to make this fast.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22764
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Dwight
Let's do this thing.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22765
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Angela
Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22766
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Angela
I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22767
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Jim
All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22768
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Pam
I can see you!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22769
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Jim
All right!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22770
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Pam
This is so cool.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22771
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Jim
So what is going on, girl in the computer?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22772
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Pam
Lunch with a girl from my hall.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22773
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Jim
Uh-huh.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22774
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Pam
Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22775
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Dwight
OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22776
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Michael
No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22777
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Pam
Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22778
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Michael
Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22779
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Pam
The nerve.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22780
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Michael
Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22781
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Pam
They're on the supply shelf.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22782
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Michael
Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22783
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Pam
New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22784
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Michael
OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22785
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Darryl
2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22786
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Michael
Damn it. Come on.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22787
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Oscar
Oh!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22788
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Kevin
Oh, my God!
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22789
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Dwight
Come on, Bernard.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22790
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Michael
Here we go. Everybody on.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22791
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Dwight
All right, we're set.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22792
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Darryl
Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22793
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Kelly
I was on an IV for two days at the hospital.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22794
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Stanley
I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22795
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Phyllis
Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22796
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Phyllis
Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22797
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Michael
How's it going?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22798
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Phyllis
It's going well.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22799
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Michael
Good.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22800
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Holly
I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22801
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Michael
Cake? Who suggested cake?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22802
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Phyllis
We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22803
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Michael
Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22804
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Michael
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22805
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Michael
Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22806
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Dwight
Shotgun weddings.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22807
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Jim
That's not what that is.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22808
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Creed
Fright. Being scared to death.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22809
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Michael
No.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22810
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Holly
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22811
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Dwight
Obesity-caused illnesses.
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22812
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Michael
Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 22813