Every line from The Office season 4, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 27, 2007.
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Michael
I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17472
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Jim
Definitely not.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17473
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Kevin
That'd be DUI.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17474
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Phyllis
That's...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17475
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Michael
Okay.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17476
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Michael
Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17477
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Pam
Hey, Toby.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17478
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Toby
Hey.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17479
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Pam
Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. Kelly?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17480
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Toby
Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17481
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Kelly
I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17482
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Angela
They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17483
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Oscar
It's fair.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17484
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Michael
You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17485
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Kevin
I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17486
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Andy
So, how's the view old girl? Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17487
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Michael
Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17488
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Angela
Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17489
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Meredith
See you guys.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17490
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Michael
Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17491
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Meredith
Oh please, Michael.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17492
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Michael
I'm not going to leave until you forgive me.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17493
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Meredith
You're gonna be here a
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17494
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Michael
Oh, okay.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17495
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Meredith
Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17496
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Nurse
There you go.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17497
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Meredith
There's nothing in here.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17498
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Michael
This office is cursed. And we need to do something about it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17499
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Jim
Conference room?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17500
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Michael
Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17501
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Michael
On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17502
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Dwight
Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17503
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Michael
We have to have done something wrong.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17504
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Stanley
You ran over an employee.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17505
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Michael
That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17506
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Dwight
Mmm.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17507
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Michael
Oscar, are you Santaria?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17508
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Oscar
I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17509
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Michael
Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17510
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Oscar
Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17511
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Michael
Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17512
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Oscar
Oh.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17513
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Michael
Stupid.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17514
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Dwight
My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That's how you deal with a thief.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17515
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Michael
Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone but I won't do it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17516
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Michael
Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17517
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Bob Vance
Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17518
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Michael
Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. You guys are going so slow...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17519
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Phyllis
Go get him Bobby!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17520
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Michael
Come on, I'm going backwards.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17521
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Phyllis
Sic him!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17522
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Michael
Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17523
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Phyllis
Sic him!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17524
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Michael
Okay!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17525
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Pediatrician
You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17526
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Michael
Thanks.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17527
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Pediatrician
Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17528
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Pediatrician
I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17529
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Michael
Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17530
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Michael
Hey, doc? You forgetting something? Thank you.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17531