Every line from The Office season 4, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 27, 2007.
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Jan
Michael that's irrational.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17372
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Michael
Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17373
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Andy
Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17374
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Creed
Can we get another round?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17375
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Waitress
OK.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17376
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Creed
Thanks.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17377
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Stanley
So we've got what, another 20 minutes?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17378
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Oscar
More or less.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17379
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Stanley
Hmmm...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17380
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Michael
That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17381
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Dwight
You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17382
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Michael
Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17383
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Toby
I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17384
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Jim
Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17385
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Pam
I don't know I'm really committed to winning.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17386
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Jim
OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17387
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Pam
Mmm... Yes.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17388
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Jim
That's what I thought.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17389
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17390
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Jim
Right. Let's do some good.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17391
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Ryan
[Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... for the cure... leave a message' Ryan hangs up]
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17392
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Michael
Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17393
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Andy
Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17394
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Kevin
Back off me.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17395
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Dwight
How ya feeling, better?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17396
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Angela
No.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17397
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Dwight
Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17398
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Angela
The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17399
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Dwight
I am a farmer Angela.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17400
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Angela
What does that mean?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17401
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Dwight
OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17402
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Angela
You did kill her!?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17403
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Dwight
I... I sang her, her favorite songs.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17404
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Angela
You put her in my freezer.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17405
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Dwight
It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17406
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Angela
Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17407
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Dwight
Well I'm not responsible for that!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17408
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Angela
You!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17409
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Dwight
Hey, Oww! It's OK.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17410
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Angela
It's OK.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17411
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Dwight
It's nothing, I'm robbing her.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17412
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Angela
It's nothing.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17413
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Dwight
It's fine. What?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17414
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Angela
How could you do that without telling me?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17415
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Dwight
I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17416
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Angela
Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17417
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Dwight
I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17418
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Angela
You don't understand.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17419
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Michael
Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17420
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Dwight
Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17421
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Angela
Don't touch me Dwight!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17422
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Pam
You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17423
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Jim
Oh, and I get to carry it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17424
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Toby
And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17425
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Kelly
Have a seat, I'll write it down.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17426
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Toby
Where are we?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17427
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Kelly
I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17428
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Toby
He couldn't have made it a circle?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17429
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Michael
I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17430
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Jim
...talk about it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17431
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Pam
Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17432
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Jim
What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17433
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Michael
I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17434
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Jim
Well, you're probably dehydrated.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17435
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Michael
What do you want me to do Jim?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17436
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Jim
Glass of water would be a start.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17437
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Michael
No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17438
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Jim
Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17439
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Pam
I'm still having a nice day.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17440
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Jim
You are?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17441
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Pam
Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17442
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Michael
That's a good deal.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17443
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Pam
And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17444
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Michael
Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17445
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Pam
Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17446
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Michael
You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17447
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Pam
I know you Michael, I saw you naked.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17448
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Michael
You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k No, no!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17449
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Michael
Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17450
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Meredith
Hey Michael.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17451
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Michael
Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17452
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Meredith
Better.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17453
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Michael
It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17454
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Meredith
I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17455
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Michael
Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. Wanna share?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17456
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Meredith
Sure.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17457
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Michael
I'm not really sick. Nah, I'm good.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17458
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Michael
Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17459
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Andy
Ay-o!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17460
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Jim
I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17461
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Michael
Well...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17462
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Phyllis
That's despicable.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17463
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Pam
Michael.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17464
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Someone
That's not cool.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17465
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Oscar
There's no proof of that.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17466
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Michael
That's not...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17467
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Kevin
That seems early, even for her.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17468
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Michael
That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17469
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Meredith
Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17470
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Andy
Then... what are you saying?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Line 17471