Every quote from The Office season 4, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 27, 2007.
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Jan
Michael that's irrational.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17372
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Michael
Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17373
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Andy
Oh God! My nipples, it's starting.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17374
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Creed
Can we get another round?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17375
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Waitress
OK.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17376
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Creed
Thanks.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17377
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Stanley
So we've got what, another 20 minutes?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17378
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Oscar
More or less.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17379
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Stanley
Hmmm...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17380
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Michael
That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17381
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Dwight
You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17382
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Michael
Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17383
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Toby
I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17384
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Jim
Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17385
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Pam
I don't know I'm really committed to winning.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17386
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Jim
OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17387
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Pam
Mmm... Yes.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17388
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Jim
That's what I thought.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17389
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17390
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Jim
Right. Let's do some good.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17391
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Ryan
[Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... for the cure... leave a message' Ryan hangs up]
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17392
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Michael
Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17393
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Andy
Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17394
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Kevin
Back off me.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17395
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Dwight
How ya feeling, better?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17396
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Angela
No.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17397
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Dwight
Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17398
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Angela
The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17399
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Dwight
I am a farmer Angela.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17400
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Angela
What does that mean?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17401
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Dwight
OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17402
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Angela
You did kill her!?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17403
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Dwight
I... I sang her, her favorite songs.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17404
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Angela
You put her in my freezer.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17405
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Dwight
It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17406
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Angela
Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17407
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Dwight
Well I'm not responsible for that!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17408
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Angela
You!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17409
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Dwight
Hey, Oww! It's OK.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17410
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Angela
It's OK.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17411
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Dwight
It's nothing, I'm robbing her.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17412
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Angela
It's nothing.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17413
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Dwight
It's fine. What?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17414
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Angela
How could you do that without telling me?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17415
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Dwight
I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17416
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Angela
Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17417
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Dwight
I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17418
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Angela
You don't understand.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17419
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Michael
Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17420
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Dwight
Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17421
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Angela
Don't touch me Dwight!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17422
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Pam
You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17423
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Jim
Oh, and I get to carry it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17424
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Toby
And the winner is Toby Flenderson.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17425
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Kelly
Have a seat, I'll write it down.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17426
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Toby
Where are we?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17427
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Kelly
I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17428
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Toby
He couldn't have made it a circle?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17429
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Michael
I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17430
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Jim
...talk about it.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17431
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Pam
Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17432
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Jim
What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17433
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Michael
I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17434
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Jim
Well, you're probably dehydrated.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17435
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Michael
What do you want me to do Jim?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17436
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Jim
Glass of water would be a start.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17437
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Michael
No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17438
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Jim
Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17439
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Pam
I'm still having a nice day.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17440
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Jim
You are?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17441
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Pam
Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17442
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Michael
That's a good deal.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17443
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Pam
And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17444
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Michael
Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17445
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Pam
Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17446
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Michael
You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17447
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Pam
I know you Michael, I saw you naked.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17448
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Michael
You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k No, no!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17449
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Michael
Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17450
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Meredith
Hey Michael.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17451
-
Michael
Hey Mer. How ya doing?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17452
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Meredith
Better.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17453
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Michael
It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17454
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Meredith
I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17455
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Michael
Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. Wanna share?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17456
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Meredith
Sure.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17457
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Michael
I'm not really sick. Nah, I'm good.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17458
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Michael
Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17459
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Andy
Ay-o!
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17460
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Jim
I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17461
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Michael
Well...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17462
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Phyllis
That's despicable.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17463
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Pam
Michael.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17464
-
Someone
That's not cool.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17465
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Oscar
There's no proof of that.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17466
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Michael
That's not...
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17467
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Kevin
That seems early, even for her.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17468
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Michael
That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17469
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Meredith
Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee.
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17470
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Andy
Then... what are you saying?
Season 4 · Episode 1 · Quote 17471