Kevin Malone Quotes from The Office (page 14)

Accountant, band frontman, chili enthusiast.

1,708 quotes · page 14 of 18

1. Yes. I am an accountant.

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2. Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.

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3. What?!? No!

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4. No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.

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5. Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.

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6. I can do that.

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7. Your arm feels good on my back.

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8. For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible.

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9. How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.

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10. Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.

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11. Hey, man.

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12. How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?

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13. Yeah.

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14. Yes.

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15. Oh yes.

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16. Good cookie.

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17. I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.

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18. Hey.

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19. So, there was talk of oatmeal.

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20. This.

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21. Oh yeah!

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22. I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. Oh yeah!

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48767

23. Hey! I can make that error.

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24. No, I-

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25. Okay.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48869

26. How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48878

27. Ron Artest, Kelly.

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28. Nicely done!

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29. Oh yeah!

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48938

30. Three hundred pounds!

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31. Les Jolies Choses.

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32. Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.

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33. Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48994

34. Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.

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35. Riboflavin?

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36. Thank you.

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37. Andy, we're fine. We don't wanna switch. We're already like, the perfect unit.

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38. When I dropped out of school to watch more sports, a lot of people thought that I was nuts. Well who's laughing now?

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 49011

39. Oh, will we get to see that look?

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 49026

40. Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool?

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41. Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.

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42. Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?

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43. It was me.

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44. Whoa.

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45. I'm right here! Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.

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46. Okay. Watch my toes.

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47. That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

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48. Wow!

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49. Kelly, that is mine! This is mine!

    Season 8 · Episode 12 · Line 49272

50. No!

    Season 8 · Episode 12 · Line 49274

51. Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.

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52. You know.

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53. A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49381

54. Oh, did I win the pool?

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55. Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

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56. Got that, bimbo?

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57. Hi!

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58. Phillip is so fat.

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59. You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.

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60. I'm going to call him Little Kevin.

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61. I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.

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62. Little Kevin.

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63. Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.

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64. Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape.

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65. Hey!

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49855

66. Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...

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67. When do we leave?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49903

68. Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.

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69. Are those the lyrics?

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70. One order.

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71. Dude, you didn't tell me you were f***ing Val. High five!

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50375

72. One order.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50403

73. It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery'

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50411

74. Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50628

75. Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.

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76. I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50635

77. It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50637

78. Yeah

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79. Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50749

80. Bye.

    Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50762

81. Whether it's a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.

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82. Cookies, eh?

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83. Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50912

84. I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.

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85. I do.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50918

86. Oh, I definitely do.

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87. Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me.

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88. No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed.

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89. Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar.

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90. That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.

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91. This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.

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92. No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.

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93. Hungrier.

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94. Hungrier.

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95. Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. Again.

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96. Go.

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97. Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51078

98. Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51081

99. What do you mean?

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51084

100. No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. That is... hmph... that's ah... so good.

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