Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office (page 8)

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956 quotes · page 8 of 10

1. You know what? I'm so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? 'Cause we keep stopping it, to get a history lesson from...

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2. The show's back on, what happened?

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3. Oh my God what song was that?

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4. What song was it?

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5. Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? 'Cause we missed it!

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6. Ahhh! What's going on?!?!

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7. Good luck Michael!

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8. Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right?

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9. I said to Ryan, 'I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!''

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10. I think I'm gonna stay here.

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11. I do, I do. This isn't right.

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12. But I--it's not right.

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13. Is the nail place Koreans or whites?

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14. Good. And the dry cleaners?

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15. Good.

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16. I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?

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17. Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?

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18. Michael, how do I create a new tab?

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19. Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you.

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20. Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually.

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21. It's present time, you guys. Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.

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22. Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, 'Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.'

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23. It's a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.

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24. I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.

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25. I said, 'I wonder.' I didn't say, 'I think.'

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26. Blankets, what am I, five?

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27. He's rubbing his neck.

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28. Well, you're almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?

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29. So where's the ring?

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30. That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

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31. Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me.

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32. Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.

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33. This is a fast food receipt from April.

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34. God, how many number nines did you order?

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35. What happened? Is there a ring?

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36. Come on!

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37. Wow.

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38. Yes, I told everyone.

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39. Oh, God, please stop!

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40. Why are you eating stem first?

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41. You're killing him, Michael!

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42. Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!

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43. Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!

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44. My resolution was to get more attention.

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45. Cake.

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46. Oh, baby.

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47. But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

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48. Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.

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49. It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. 'The Business Bitch', 'The Diet Bitch', 'The Shopping Bitch', 'The Etiquette Bitch.'

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50. I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.

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51. Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.

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52. Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?

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53. Come on Scott, please? It's me.

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54. Mm-hmm.

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55. Yeah bitch.

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56. Whoo!

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57. Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.

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58. Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced.

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59. The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.

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60. We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.

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61. And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...

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62. Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.

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63. God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake.

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64. Ryan, I changed my mind.

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65. And who is on my side?

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66. Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me...

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67. Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!

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68. What are you referencing?

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69. Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology.

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70. This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin.

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71. Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.

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72. Screw you man. People like my stuff.

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73. You can take my Helen Fielding collection.

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74. I'll get that you guys. Don't... it's just... you know...

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75. Oh, hi!

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76. Have we met before?

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77. Well, I guess I'll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you.

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78. And that is what you call a meet cute.

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79. What?!

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80. Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice.

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81. I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.

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82. What?

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83. Why should I pretend that you are my boss?

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84. Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie.

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85. You really would?

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86. Sure thing, Mr. Howard.

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87. Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. No, no, he's not going to stand us up like he did last time. He won't ever stand us up again.

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88. When Deangelo's around.

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89. All the time.

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90. Lame? You worked at Anthropology?

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91. That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job?

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92. You chose this job over that job?

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93. I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years.

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94. No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding.

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95. He's not saying anything!

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96. That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti--

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97. Oh my God, what is wrong with you?

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98. It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.

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99. Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head.

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100. Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.

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