Jim Halpert Quotes from The Office (page 37)

Salesman, prank enthusiast, permanent camera confidant.

6,816 quotes · page 37 of 69

1. Okay. And how do you feel?

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2. All right. Did he hit you?

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3. Did you cry?

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4. Did you feel like crying?

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5. I'm just gonna write 'held back tears.'

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6. If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.

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7. Michael...

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8. Can I talk to you in my office for a second?

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9. I have noticed that we--

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10. Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings.

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11. And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um--

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12. Yes.

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13. Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.

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14. Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.

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15. I am.

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16. Right.

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17. Yes, I agree.

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18. I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.

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19. You mean on a weekend?

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20. How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.

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21. Really? You just agreed to that?

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22. Okay, I thought I saw people missing.

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23. Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?

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24. Stanley?

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25. Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these.

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26. Michael, this is a conference room meeting.

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27. That's not what I meant.

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28. I disagree.

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29. Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?

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30. That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager.

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31. That's exactly what Wallace told us.

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32. I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.

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33. Hey, David. You got Jim here.

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34. Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.

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35. David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.

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36. Nope, not at all.

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37. Alright, thanks alot, David.

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38. You don't have to lie.

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39. Right.

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40. Alright. Let's get started.

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41. Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?

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42. Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.

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43. It's hard to tell so far.

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44. I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?

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45. You just came up with that.

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46. Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro-- everyone gets a little bit.

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47. Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year.

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48. Pro-- no favoritism.

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49. I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart-- How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

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50. You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.

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51. I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...

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52. I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.

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53. Michael.

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54. Look, you have a lot of strengths.

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55. I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.

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56. But there is a reason why I'm here!

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57. No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!

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58. I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!

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59. At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.

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60. But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.

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61. [leave the conference room to address everyone]

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62. Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.

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63. Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.

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64. Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.

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65. Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.

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66. Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so--

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67. Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so...

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68. Thank you, Meredith.

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69. Rank each person individually?

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70. Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started.

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71. Nope. I'm numbering the paper.

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72. It's going really well, actually.

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73. Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture of who you think deserv-- who's that?

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74. He's not a part of this. You know that.

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75. Okay, your move.

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76. Here we go.

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77. Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that.

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78. I was just trying to be unbiased.

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79. Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four.

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80. Six. You?

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81. I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?

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82. We tried to find the fairest way to do it.

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83. I just-- what?

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84. Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?

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85. Thank you.

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86. What's in here?

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87. Ooh!

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88. We would really appreciate it.

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89. It is really special.

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90. Well, congrats.

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91. Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column.

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92. No. This is a fire cracker free wedding.

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93. Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended.

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94. That's nice.

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95. Good-bye.

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96. Yeah?

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97. Oh, wow. That's cool.

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98. Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.

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99. Lousy Picture.

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100. Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun.

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