Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 22, in script order. First aired May 9, 2013.
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Casey
You did a really great job. You even look shorter.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59187
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Andy
Oh, I took out my lifts.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59188
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Casey
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59189
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Andy
Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59190
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Casey
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59191
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Esther
All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59192
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Dwight
Oink the pigs, that is very important.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59193
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Esther
Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59194
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Dwight
The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59195
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Dwight
Thank you, Esther.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59196
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Esther
Bye.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59197
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Jim
You threw the summoning bag at me, sir?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59198
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Dwight
I need you to perform a test.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59199
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Jim
Perform a test.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59200
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Dwight
On an innocent baby.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59201
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Jim
Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don't worry, he's the best in the biz.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59202
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Dwight
Damn straight.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59203
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Jim
Unless you think he can't handle it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59204
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Dwight
Hey, he can handle it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59205
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Jim
All right.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59206
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Oscar
Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59207
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Stanley
I heard that.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59208
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Phillip
Mama.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59209
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Dwight
Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59210
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Pam
He does have a gift.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59211
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Oscar
Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59212
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Phillip
Mama.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59213
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Dwight
Okay. You ever been in a manager's office before?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59214
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Dwight
Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called 'Schrute or Consequences.' You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59215
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Phillip
Beet.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59216
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Dwight
Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59217
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Check-in guy
Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59218
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People in line
Oh come on! Hey!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59219
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Andy
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59220
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Check-in guy
But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America's Next A Cappella Sensa'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59221
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Andy
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. You can't do that, we've all been waiting.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59222
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Check-in guy
Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59223
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Andy
I am going in there! Don't'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59224
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Check-in guy
No, you're not, sir.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59225
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Andy
Don't'don't'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59226
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Check-in guy
Please don't.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59227
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Andy
Don't touch me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59228
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Check-in guy
I'm not touching you. Okay?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59229
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Casey
Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get'I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59230
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Oscar
Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59231
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Dwight
That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59232
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Kevin
He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59233
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Andy
Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59234
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Santigold
What is this?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59235
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Andy
Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, my name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59236
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Aaron Rodgers
No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59237
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Andy
Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59238
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Clay Aiken
No, we do not want to hear you sing.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59239
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Santigold
Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59240
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Andy
Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59241
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Aaron Rodgers
Flag on the play.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59242
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Andy
That's'that's what'yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59243
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Santigold
What is this song?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59244
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Andy
Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59245
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Clay Aiken
Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59246
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Andy
You didn't let me finish. That's not fair.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59247
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Aaron Rodgers
Look, man, you're not terrible. We've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59248
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Andy
Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59249
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Aaron Rodgers
Can he do this?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59250
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Andy
Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59251
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Santigold
Look, you gotta go. You can't just sit here and cry.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59252
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Andy
Oh I can so just sit here and cry!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59253
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Jim
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59254
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Oscar
Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59255
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Kevin
Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59256
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Oscar
Okay, I guess, it's just that Phillip got you something.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59257
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Angela
Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59258
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Oscar
I think there's, like, $7 left.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59259
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Angela
It's just his way of saying, 'Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59260
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Kevin
Phillip got this for me?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59261
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Oscar
Sure.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59262
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Kevin
That was a really cool move.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59263
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Angela
Would you like to hold Phillip? Yeah. That's Kevin.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59264
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Kevin
Whoa.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59265
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Oscar
Easy.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59266
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Kevin
What a chubbers. Whoa.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59267
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Angela
Okay, watch it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59268
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Kevin
I'm losing my balance.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59269
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Angela
No, Kevin, no.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59270
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Oscar
Hey, no.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59271
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Kevin
Whoa!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59272
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Oscar
No horseplay.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59273
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Angela
Stop it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59274
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Kevin
You wanna play with the cactus?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59275
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Angela
No, no!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59276
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Kevin
So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59277
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Erin
We have our decision.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59278
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Darryl
You chose one thing?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59279
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Erin
We want to dance with you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59280
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Darryl
You want to dance?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59281
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Erin
One dance, all of us together.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59282
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Darryl
This is what you want?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59283
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Erin
Absolutely.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59284
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Darryl
Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we're gonna do this right.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59285
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Erin
Yes!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59286