Every line from The Office season 9, episode 22, in script order. First aired May 9, 2013.
-
Dwight
The power source.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58987
-
Jim
Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58988
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Dwight
A loyal, but bungling apostle.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58989
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Jim
But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58990
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Dwight
Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58991
-
Jim
Exactly.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58992
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Dwight
I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58993
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Jim
Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58994
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Dwight
I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58995
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Jim
Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58996
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Dwight
That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58997
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Casey
What're you listening to?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58998
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Andy
Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58999
-
Casey
Oh, sweet.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59000
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Andy
A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59001
-
Mark McGrath
What's up, everybody? And welcome to America's Next A Cappella Singing Sensation!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59002
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Casey
Ah! It's Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You're gorgeous!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59003
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Mark McGrath
Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59004
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Andy
There's a mole?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59005
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Mark McGrath
Oops. I'm not supposed to'I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59006
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Andy
What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59007
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Mark McGrath
Good man right there. I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59008
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Andy
Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59009
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Casey
What? On a roll much?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59010
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Andy
I don't know where it came from.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59011
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Casey
That was amazing, man!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59012
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Andy
Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59013
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Casey
Yeah, you made a personal connection with him.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59014
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Andy
I did, I felt it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59015
-
Casey
Big time.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59016
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Pam
What are you so excited about?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59017
-
Jim
Nothing.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59018
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Pam
What are you up to?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59019
-
Jim
Members of the office, hear ye.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59020
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Dwight
That means ye, Plop!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59021
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Pete
Plop? Still?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59022
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Dwight
We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59023
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Pete
Fine.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59024
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Jim
Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59025
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Erin
Aw, heck ya!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59026
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Pam
Nice.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59027
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Dwight
You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59028
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Jim
This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59029
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Dwight
Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59030
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Jim
He envies you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59031
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Dwight
You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59032
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Jim
Alright.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59033
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Jim
By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59034
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Darryl
What up?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59035
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Glenn
What's going on? How was the delivery?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59036
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Darryl
Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I'm here.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59037
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Darryl
I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59038
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Jim
A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59039
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Meredith
Uh, two.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59040
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Jim
985,000,000,000,017.00
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59041
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Dwight
Not even close, Meredith. Come on!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59042
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Jim
Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59043
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Pam
Theme song from Saved by the Bell.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59044
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Jim
Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59045
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Dwight
Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59046
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Jim
That's exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59047
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Pete
A horse.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59048
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Jim
Ew, the exact opposite, actually.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59049
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Pete
What's the opposite of a horse?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59050
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Jim
Come on.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59051
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Jim & Dwight
Sea horse.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59052
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Jim
Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59053
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Jim & Dwight
Say that? Uncanny.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59054
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Jim
Challenge number two, protocol. Clark?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59055
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Clark
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59056
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Jim
Do you want a corn dog?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59057
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Clark
I would love a corn dog.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59058
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Jim
We'll see. You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59059
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Clark
Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59060
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Dwight
No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59061
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Jim
Uncanny.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59062
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Soldier
I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they'll feel like anything is possible.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59063
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Andy
Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59064
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Casey
Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59065
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Andy
What?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59066
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Casey
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59067
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Andy
Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59068
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Casey
I don't know. But I'm getting really worried here.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59069
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Andy
Me too. Hold my place in line.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59070
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Casey
Where are you going?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59071
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Andy
They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59072
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Darryl
Thanks, man.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59073
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Hank Doyle
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59074
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Darryl
Yep. Take care.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59075
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Pam
Darryl, hey.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59076
-
Darryl
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59077
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Pam
Cool, are you coming back to say hi?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59078
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Darryl
No, no, I'm not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59079
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Pam
Aha. How's Athlead?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59080
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Darryl
We livin' like rock stars. I'm about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59081
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Pam
Wow.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59082
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Darryl
Jim really doesn't want to come?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59083
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Pam
He says he doesn't want to.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59084
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Darryl
Wow. Man. I hope he doesn't regret it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59085
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Pam
Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59086