Erin

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58887

Kevin

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58888

Dwight

Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58889

Erin

The tea in Nepal is very hot.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58890

Dwight

But the coffee in Peru is far hotter.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58891

Erin

Close.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58892

Dwight

This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58893

Erin

Colder.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58894

Dwight

The coffee in Paraguay is colder?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58895

Erin

No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, 'the coffee in Peru is much hotter.'

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58896

Dwight

Ah, much, ok.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58897

Erin

But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. Unless you want me to break protocol?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58898

Dwight

No, no. Give me the steam.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58899

Dwight

It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58900

Dwight

Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58901

Creed

Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58902

Philip

Mama!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58903

Oscar

Angela, someone wants you.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58904

Angela

Ok, coming. Hi, baby.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58905

Oscar

Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58906

Oscar

Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58907

Esther

Go get 'em, honey.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58908

Dwight

Oh, don't worry. They'll get got.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58909

Dwight

Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check' on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58910

Andy

Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58911

Check-in guy

Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58912

Andy

Yes!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58913

Andy

Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show, it's like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58914

Jim

Sales form for you to sign.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58915

Dwight

You know what to do. Ok

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58916

Dwight

Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58917

Jim

Aw, thanks, man.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58918

Dwight

Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War'

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58919

Jim

No.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58920

Dwight

Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58921

Jim

Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58922

Pam

Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58923

Jim

All depends on the conference room meeting itself. Uh, okay.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58924

Pam

Is that them again?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58925

Jim

Yeah.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58926

Pam

Maybe you should call back?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58927

Jim

I will. I will.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58928

Jim

The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58929

Pam

When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58930

Dwight

Welcome.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58931

Jim

He welcomes you.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58932

Dwight

Please take an agenda item.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58933

Jim

Your agenda-taking pleases him.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58934

Dwight

Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. 'Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.' That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58935

Jim

Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out, 'Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.' Ok? That's nonsense.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58936

Pam

Question.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58937

Jim

Yes, beautiful girl in the front.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58938

Pam

We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, 'Nice jugs'?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58939

Jim

That's obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58940

Everyone

Zero. No nonsense. You can't have nonsense.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58941

Dwight

What is going on?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58942

Angela

Daycare won't take Phillip anymore.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58943

Oscar

Why?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58944

Angela

Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive. So, hi.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58945

Oscar

Hi, buddy.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58946

Dwight

Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58947

Jim

Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58948

Meredith

I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58949

Stanley

Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58950

Dwight

I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58951

Kevin

Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58952

Oscar

I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58953

Creed

This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58954

Andy

This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58955

Casey

Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58956

Andy

No!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58957

Casey

America wants it!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58958

Andy

No, this is my time! You don't belt on my time! I belt on my time.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58959

Casey

Casey Dean!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58960

Andy

Casey Dean!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58961

Casey

Man, those are some nice pipes.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58962

Andy

Yeah.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58963

Casey

What's your name?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58964

Andy

Andy. What's yours?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58965

Angela

Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58966

Oscar

Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58967

Kevin

Guys.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58968

Angela

Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58969

Kevin

Guys.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58970

Angela

Why don't you pack it?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58971

Kevin

Guys.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58972

Angela & Oscar

Kevin, what?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58973

Kevin

Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says 'bold front' instead of 'cold front'? It's insane.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58974

Angela

Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58975

Oscar

Seriously, Kevin. I'm just gonna have to go to the store.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58976

Angela

Ok, you go to the store.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58977

Kevin

Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It's all about Phillip. I hate Phillip.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58978

Dwight

Not now! Private time!

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58979

Jim

I love Star Wars as much as the next guy'

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58980

Dwight

Hey, hey! Seriously?

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58981

Jim

My god, I'm so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58982

Dwight

Which is, of course'

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58983

Jim

Potential future nonsense.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58984

Dwight

Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58985

Jim

I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager.

Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58986

"A.A.R.M." Quotes