Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 22, in script order. First aired May 9, 2013.
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Darryl
Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59087
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Pam
That's what he says.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59088
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Darryl
If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59089
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Jim
An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59090
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Dwight
A thousand times more.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59091
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Phyllis
I'll try this one.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59092
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Jim
Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59093
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Phyllis
Hot!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59094
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Jim
Yeah. It's real. It's the only way you'll learn. OK, and go ahead. Oh, god, nice! She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59095
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Dwight
No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59096
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Jim
Look at that form.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59097
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Dwight
Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59098
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Jim
Uncanny.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59099
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Erin
Darryl?! Darryl!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59100
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Kevin
Whoa.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59101
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Darryl
Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, y'all?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59102
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Erin
You left us without saying goodbye.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59103
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Darryl
Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59104
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Meredith
Hey! No way!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59105
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Kevin
That's totally uncool.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59106
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Erin
Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59107
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Darryl
I don't think I sh-
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59108
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Erin
Get upstairs, mister!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59109
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Meredith
Yeah!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59110
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Kevin
Right. Now.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59111
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Darryl
Guess I'm going upstairs.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59112
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Jim
You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing'none of these people are good enough.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59113
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Dwight
I know.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59114
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Jim
What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59115
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Dwight
Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59116
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Jim
Is-
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59117
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Dwight
Me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59118
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Jim
The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59119
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Dwight
Yes! Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59120
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Jim
I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. That's it. You look really, really good.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59121
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Dwight
Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59122
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Jim
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59123
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Pam
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59124
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Jim
You all right? What's going on?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59125
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Pam
Are you happy?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59126
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Jim
Yes, I'm happy.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59127
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Pam
No, I know that you're, like, happy and, like, you had fun today.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59128
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Jim
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59129
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Pam
And that was fun. But what about a year from now?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59130
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Jim
What?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59131
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Pam
What about five years from now?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59132
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Jim
Pam.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59133
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Pam
Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, but I'm just'I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you're giving up so much.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59134
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Jim
This was my decision, not yours.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59135
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Pam
Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59136
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Jim
You didn't force me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59137
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Pam
I kind of forced you to do it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59138
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Jim
You did not force me to do this.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59139
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Pam
Yes, I did.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59140
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Jim
I don't know how else to tell you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59141
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Pam
I'm afraid that you're gonna resent me and I'm afraid that'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59142
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Jim
Resent you?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59143
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Pam
This is not enough for you and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59144
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Jim
Is that really what you think?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59145
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Jim
Not enough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it's against the rules but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59146
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Camera Crew
Okay. You got it, man.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59147
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Darryl
I didn't realize we were this close.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59148
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Phyllis
We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59149
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Meredith
Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59150
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Darryl
Uh' yeah. Depending on traffic.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59151
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Stanley
He ain't coming.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59152
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Erin
Oh, god!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59153
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Darryl
These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59154
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Darryl
Well, it's been great.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59155
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Phyllis
Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he's gone for who knows how long.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59156
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Darryl
Maybe forever. Anyhow'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59157
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Oscar
Did we ever have lunch together, just'just the two of us? You know what, I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cugino's.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59158
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Meredith
Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59159
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Darryl
Oh, oh, I'm sure we did.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59160
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Meredith
Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59161
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Clark
Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59162
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Erin
Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl's next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we'll get this started.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59163
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Darryl
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that's on me. But I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59164
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Meredith
You have to!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59165
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Darryl
Hey, hey, hey. I'll do one thing with y'all.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59166
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Phyllis
Which thing?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59167
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Darryl
I don't care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59168
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Angela
Kevin, Kevin.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59169
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Kevin
Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59170
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Angela
Kevin, could you not do that?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59171
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Kevin
What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59172
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Oscar
Here, use my pen.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59173
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Kevin
Don't tell me what to do!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59174
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Angela & Oscar
Shhh!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59175
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Kevin
No, I don't need this! And you obviously don't need me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59176
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Angela
Kevin, where are you going?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59177
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Kevin
Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59178
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Oscar
He just won't go down. It's as if he's excited by all this paper.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59179
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Angela
I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59180
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Dwight
Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59181
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Andy
Hey, what's goin' on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59182
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Casey
You're back!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59183
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Andy
No, it's me, Andy!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59184
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Casey
No, I know.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59185
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Andy
No, no, no. I'm wearing makeup.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Quote 59186