Every line from The Office season 9, episode 22, in script order. First aired May 9, 2013.
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Angela
Hey. You wanted to see me?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59287
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Dwight
Door. Chair. It's about Phillip.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59288
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Angela
I am sorry he's here today but I had'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59289
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Dwight
I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59290
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Angela
How thoughtful.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59291
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Dwight
Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59292
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Angela
If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59293
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Dwight
Very well.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59294
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Angela
Can I go back to my desk now?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59295
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Dwight
Yes.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59296
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Pam
What is this?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59297
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Jim
Well I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so I needed a little help.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59298
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Dwight
Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59299
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Jim
OK, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59300
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Dwight
Now.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59301
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Jim
I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59302
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Dwight
Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59303
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Pam
Go ahead.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59304
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Jim
Ok, um, this is''I'll be right back.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59305
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Jim
What do we got?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59306
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Dwight
I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59307
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Jim
Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59308
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Dwight
She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59309
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Jim
Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59310
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Dwight
Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59311
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Jim
That's a lot of pros.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59312
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Dwight
And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59313
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Jim
So what is the problem?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59314
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Dwight
Angela.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59315
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Jim
I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59316
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Dwight
Some sort of virus?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59317
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Jim
Love.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59318
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Dwight
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59319
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Jim
Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59320
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Dwight
You're a good assistant, Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59321
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Jim
Not as good as you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59322
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Dwight
That's very true. Get the hell outta here.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59323
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Jim
You got it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59324
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Jim
You watched it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59325
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59326
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Jim
Well, then I guess you're ready for this.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59327
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Pam
What's that?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59328
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Jim
It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. Not enough for me? You are everything.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59329
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Pam
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59330
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Erin
Ok, everybody ready?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59331
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Phyllis
Hit it, red!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59332
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Darryl
I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59333
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Oscar
Ok, I've got my'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59334
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Meredith
See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59335
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Oscar
All right, Meredith.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59336
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Angela
Okay, bye.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59337
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Oscar
See you there.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59338
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Kevin
Bye, Phillip. High five.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59339
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Oscar
Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59340
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Angela
Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59341
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Oscar
She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59342
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Angela
All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59343
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Oscar
Oh, my goodness.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59344
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Dwight
Pull over!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59345
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Angela
Dwight?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59346
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Dwight
Move to the side of the road!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59347
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Angela
Why?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59348
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Dwight
Pull over!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59349
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Angela
What do you'Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59350
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Angela
Dwight! What the is your problem!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59351
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Dwight
Shut up, woman!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59352
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Angela
Who drives like that?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59353
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Dwight
Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59354
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Angela
Can you put that down?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59355
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Dwight
This expresses how loudly I love you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59356
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Angela
It's too loud.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59357
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Dwight
This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59358
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Angela
Okay, yes'yes, I will! I love you!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59359
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Dwight
I love you!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59360
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Angela
And I lied to you.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59361
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Dwight
What?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59362
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Angela
Phillip's your son.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59363
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Dwight
What? Why would you say that'
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59364
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Angela
I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59365
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Dwight
Get out! I'm a dad!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59366
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Angela
You're a dad!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59367
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Creed
Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. Oh!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59368
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Erin
You have to change the channel to PBS.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59369
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59370
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Bartender
College baseball is on.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59371
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Erin
But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59372
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Bartender
What's it about?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59373
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Erin
A paper company.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59374
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Bartender
How many people want the game? Who wants PBS? Sorry. Tie means I do nothing.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59375
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Kevin
Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59376
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Andy
One more for the doc.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59377
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Bartender
All right.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59378
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Kevin
Yes!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59379
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Clark
Hey, how was the singing show audition?
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59380
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Andy
Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59381
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Creed
Ok, thirty seconds to showtime!
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59382
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Kevin
I feel scared a little.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59383
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Phyllis
Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59384
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Stanley
No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59385
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Oscar
One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same.
Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59386