Jim

Wow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24805

Dwight

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24806

Pam

Right Dwight is loud.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24807

Dwight

I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24808

Jim

No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24809

Kelly

What's going on?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24810

Michael

Why don't you tell us?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24811

Kelly

Nothing's going on.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24812

Dwight

Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24813

Michael

Dwight. I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24814

Kelly

What? I -- I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24815

Dwight

Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24816

Jim

We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24817

Michael

What's going on?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24818

Kelly

I love your tie, Michael.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24819

Michael

Kelly.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24820

Kelly

I was raped.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24821

Michael

You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24822

Kelly

OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24823

Dwight

We have our confession. I'm calling security.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24824

Michael

Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24825

Kelly

See? I wasn't lying.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24826

Michael

You were lying.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24827

Kelly

I was lying.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24828

Michael

Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24829

Dwight

I want to be here when you fire her ass.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24830

Michael

I will call you when it is time.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24831

Michael

I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24832

Kelly

No problem.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24833

Michael

I think you should do that.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24834

Alex

Pam Beesley?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24835

Pam

Hey, what are you doing here?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24836

Jim

Who's that?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24837

Pam

It's Alex.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24838

Alex

It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24839

Jim

Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24840

Pam

Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24841

Alex

Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24842

Pam

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24843

Jim

That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24844

Alex

Um.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24845

Pam

What's up?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24846

Alex

I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24847

Pam

Wow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24848

Jim

I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24849

Alex

Why did you come to New York in the first place?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24850

Pam

Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24851

Alex

Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you -- really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has -- all the opportunity is here. All the -- the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24852

Pam

Jim's in Scranton.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24853

Alex

I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24854

Pam

I'll see you tomorrow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24855

Alex

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24856

Dwight

Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? May I?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24857

Jim

Don't.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24858

Dwight

Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24859

Andy

We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24860

Dwight

Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24861

Andy

Oh. Hmm.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24862

Dwight

While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24863

Andy

That's very generous.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24864

Dwight

While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24865

Andy

Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24866

Dwight

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24867

Andy

Um, what are we talking price wise?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24868

Dwight

You already said deal.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24869

Angela

Pay him whatever he wants.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24870

Andy

Can't argue with that. Dwight ... You are going to make us so happy.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24871

Meredith

Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24872

Michael

How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24873

Kevin & Andy

Ooooh.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24874

Michael

And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24875

Jim

Perfect.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24876

Michael

The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming 'Opa!' Which means 'congratulations,' so...

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24877

Andy

Oh, man!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24878

Pam

Ask how he's doing since the breakup.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24879

Jim

So, how you holdin' up?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24880

Michael

I'm pretty much devastated.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24881

Pam

Ask if there's anything you can do.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24882

Jim

You know what you should do? Take a vacation.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24883

Michael

Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24884

Pam

Tell him you'd like to go with him.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24885

Jim

We should take a look at those surveys.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24886

Michael

Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of....carrots. And, so he's like 'What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.'

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24887

Michael

Great marks, Phyllis.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24888

Phyllis

Hey, I did good too!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24889

Stanley

I knew it. Haha!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24890

Andy

Up! Don't leave me hangin'!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24891

Dwight

What do I do with my bonus check? Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24892

Michael

I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24893

Michael

Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute...

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24894

Dwight

Here.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24895

Michael

Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24896

Andy

I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! Ow! Dammit!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24897

Jim

Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24898

Dwight

My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? Excuse me, I've got work to do.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24899

Stanley

[laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24900

Phyllis

It's good!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24901

Dwight

Hey, what are you laughing at?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24902

Stanley & Phyllis

[continue to laugh]

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24903

Dwight

Are you laughing at me?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Quote 24904

"Customer Survey" Quotes (page 4)