Jim

Wow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24805

Dwight

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24806

Pam

Right Dwight is loud.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24807

Dwight

I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24808

Jim

No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24809

Kelly

What's going on?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24810

Michael

Why don't you tell us?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24811

Kelly

Nothing's going on.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24812

Dwight

Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24813

Michael

Dwight. I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24814

Kelly

What? I -- I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24815

Dwight

Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24816

Jim

We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24817

Michael

What's going on?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24818

Kelly

I love your tie, Michael.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24819

Michael

Kelly.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24820

Kelly

I was raped.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24821

Michael

You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24822

Kelly

OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24823

Dwight

We have our confession. I'm calling security.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24824

Michael

Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24825

Kelly

See? I wasn't lying.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24826

Michael

You were lying.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24827

Kelly

I was lying.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24828

Michael

Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24829

Dwight

I want to be here when you fire her ass.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24830

Michael

I will call you when it is time.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24831

Michael

I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24832

Kelly

No problem.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24833

Michael

I think you should do that.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24834

Alex

Pam Beesley?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24835

Pam

Hey, what are you doing here?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24836

Jim

Who's that?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24837

Pam

It's Alex.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24838

Alex

It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24839

Jim

Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24840

Pam

Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24841

Alex

Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24842

Pam

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24843

Jim

That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24844

Alex

Um.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24845

Pam

What's up?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24846

Alex

I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24847

Pam

Wow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24848

Jim

I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24849

Alex

Why did you come to New York in the first place?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24850

Pam

Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24851

Alex

Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you -- really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has -- all the opportunity is here. All the -- the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24852

Pam

Jim's in Scranton.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24853

Alex

I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24854

Pam

I'll see you tomorrow.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24855

Alex

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24856

Dwight

Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? May I?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24857

Jim

Don't.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24858

Dwight

Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24859

Andy

We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24860

Dwight

Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24861

Andy

Oh. Hmm.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24862

Dwight

While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24863

Andy

That's very generous.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24864

Dwight

While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24865

Andy

Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24866

Dwight

OK.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24867

Andy

Um, what are we talking price wise?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24868

Dwight

You already said deal.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24869

Angela

Pay him whatever he wants.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24870

Andy

Can't argue with that. Dwight ... You are going to make us so happy.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24871

Meredith

Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24872

Michael

How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24873

Kevin & Andy

Ooooh.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24874

Michael

And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24875

Jim

Perfect.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24876

Michael

The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming 'Opa!' Which means 'congratulations,' so...

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24877

Andy

Oh, man!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24878

Pam

Ask how he's doing since the breakup.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24879

Jim

So, how you holdin' up?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24880

Michael

I'm pretty much devastated.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24881

Pam

Ask if there's anything you can do.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24882

Jim

You know what you should do? Take a vacation.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24883

Michael

Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24884

Pam

Tell him you'd like to go with him.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24885

Jim

We should take a look at those surveys.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24886

Michael

Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of....carrots. And, so he's like 'What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.'

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24887

Michael

Great marks, Phyllis.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24888

Phyllis

Hey, I did good too!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24889

Stanley

I knew it. Haha!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24890

Andy

Up! Don't leave me hangin'!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24891

Dwight

What do I do with my bonus check? Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24892

Michael

I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24893

Michael

Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute...

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24894

Dwight

Here.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24895

Michael

Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24896

Andy

I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! Ow! Dammit!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24897

Jim

Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24898

Dwight

My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? Excuse me, I've got work to do.

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24899

Stanley

[laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24900

Phyllis

It's good!

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24901

Dwight

Hey, what are you laughing at?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24902

Stanley & Phyllis

[continue to laugh]

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24903

Dwight

Are you laughing at me?

Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24904

"Customer Survey" Quotes (page 4)