Jim

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26961

Pam

After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26962

Jim

Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26963

Jim

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26964

Pam

What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26965

Michael

I don't get it. Do I stress you out?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26966

Dwight

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26967

Michael

Oh...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26968

Dwight

Speaking of which...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26969

Michael

Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26970

Michael

Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26971

Kelly

A vacation.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26972

Michael

What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26973

Oscar

Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26974

Michael

Si senor.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26975

Oscar

That's offensive.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26976

Michael

It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26977

Kevin

Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26978

Oscar

I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26979

Michael

I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26980

Dwight

May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26981

Phyllis

Hey, this is your apology letter.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26982

Dwight

That was the last signature I needed.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26983

Michael

Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Ok... lower the mic for the midget.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26984

Angela

If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26985

Angela

I normally don't enjoy making people laugh.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26986

Angela

If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26987

Group

Michael Scott!

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26988

Michael

Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26989

Kelly

I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26990

Michael

You're so lucky! Good one...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26991

Meredith

Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said 'Gross'...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26992

Michael

Well...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26993

Meredith

Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26994

Michael

Pow pow pow...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26995

Oscar

[yelling at Michael in Spanish]

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26996

Michael

NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26997

Jim

Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26998

Michael

I know where this is goin'.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26999

Jim

Do ya?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27000

Michael

No...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27001

Jim

Ok. Remember Spider face?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27002

Michael

No.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27003

Jim

OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27004

Michael

Spite her - ok

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27005

Jim

Yeah... yep.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27006

Dwight

How dare you all attack him like this.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27007

Michael

Oh, stop it Dwight.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27008

Dwight

Michael is your superior.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27009

Michael

No no no no no no!

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27010

Dwight

Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27011

Michael

Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27012

Dwight

Ok, no, they don't understand who they have...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27013

Michael

That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27014

Dwight

You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27015

Michael

Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27016

Dwight

Are you calling me an idiot?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27017

Michael

Idiot.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27018

Dwight

Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27019

Pam

Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27020

Michael

Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27021

Pam

Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27022

Michael

Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27023

Darryl

Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27024

Michael

We are, we are a family.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27025

Darryl

Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27026

Michael

Oh very funny.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27027

Darryl

What's his name?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27028

Michael

Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27029

Darryl

Roy left years ago. What's his name?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27030

Michael

I don't believe I have had the pleasure.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27031

Warehouse Michael

Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27032

Darryl

What's

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27033

Michael

Jefferson.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27034

Darryl

Nope. His name is Michael.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27035

Andy

What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27036

Michael

Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27037

Pam

Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27038

Dwight

It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27039

Kevin

He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27040

Oscar

Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27041

Kevin

I'm almost done.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27042

Oscar

That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27043

Dwight

Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27044

Jim

Yep. You're being replaced.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27045

Pam

I think he meant personal day.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27046

Dwight

Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27047

Phyllis

I hope he's ok, I feel bad.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27048

Creed

Give it up, he's dead.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27049

Jim

He just sent a text...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27050

Creed

What's a text?

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27051

Michael

Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27052

Michael

You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. I'm okay. No, I'm not.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27053

Pam

Phyllis there's a package for you.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27054

Phyllis

Oh, ok.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27055

Dwight

Got it.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27056

Lily

Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27057

Sam

Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27058

Andy

Sam! Sam!

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27059

Pam

Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then.

Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27060

"Stress Relief" Quotes (page 4)