Every line from The Office season 5, episode 13, in script order. First aired February 1, 2009.
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David
Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26761
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Michael
Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26762
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Dwight
No.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26763
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Michael
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26764
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Dwight
PETA.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26765
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David Wallace
Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26766
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Michael
Do you?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26767
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David Wallace
Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26768
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Michael
You talking to me?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26769
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David Wallace
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26770
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Michael
What?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26771
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Dwight
Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26772
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Michael
No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26773
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Dwight
Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26774
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26775
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Dwight
I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26776
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Michael
That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26777
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Dwight
What? You?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26778
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Michael
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26779
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Dwight
Come on.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26780
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Michael
I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26781
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Dwight
That's preposterous.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26782
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Michael
No, I will.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26783
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Michael
Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 'Oh, this is the place that I might die today.' That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26784
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Michael
Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. Welcome back, Stanley.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26785
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Stanley
Thank you, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26786
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Stanley
It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26787
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Stanley
Not maybe. Yes or no.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26788
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Stanley
No way. Uh-uh.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26789
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Stanley
Are you from another planet?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26790
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Stanley
Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26791
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Stanley
Did I stutter?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26792
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Stanley
I'm done. Goodbye.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26793
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Stanley
But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26794
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Michael
Andy.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26795
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Andy
A throne for your highness.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26796
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Stanley
I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26797
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Michael
No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26798
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Stanley
I'm going to die.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26799
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CPR Trainer
A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26800
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Michael
Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means 'always be closing.'
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26801
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Dwight
This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26802
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Michael
Shut it. Shut it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26803
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Michael
We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26804
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Kevin
I can't keep doing this forever.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26805
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CPR Trainer
It's been 20 seconds.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26806
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Kevin
Call it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26807
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CPR Trainer
Would you like to try next?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26808
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Dwight
Absolutely I would not.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26809
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Michael
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26810
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Stanley
Oh, I don't know.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26811
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Phyllis
That's not a good idea, Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26812
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Michael
Come on.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26813
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Phyllis
He needs to rest.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26814
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Michael
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26815
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Stanley
I would die.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26816
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Michael
And you're okay with that?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26817
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Stanley
I'm okay with the logic of it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26818
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Michael
Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26819
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Stanley
Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26820
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Michael
Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26821
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Angela
Michael!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26822
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Michael
This is you we're talking about.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26823
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Angela
Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26824
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Michael
Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. Stanley. All right.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26825
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CPR Trainer
So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26826
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Michael
No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26827
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Rose
No, that's not part of it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26828
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Michael
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26829
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Kevin
I would want to live with no legs.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26830
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Michael
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26831
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Rose
All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26832
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Michael
okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26833
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Jim
How's that gonna help you?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26834
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Michael
I will divide and then count to it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26835
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Jim
Right.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26836
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Rose
Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26837
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Michael
Yes, yes I do. I love that song. First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26838
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Rose
No, it's--Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26839
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Michael
Okay, I got it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26840
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Creed
You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26841
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Michael
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26842
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Michael
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26843
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Andy
Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26844
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Rose
Okay!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26845
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Andy
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26846
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Rose
Okay!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26847
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Everyone
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26848
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Rose
Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26849
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Dwight
Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26850
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Rose
I have no idea.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26851
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Dwight
Anyone else?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26852
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Phyllis
We bury him?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26853
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Dwight
Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26854
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Creed
He has no wallet, I checked.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26855
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Michael
He is an organ donor.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26856
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Dwight
He is.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26857
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26858
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Dwight
Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. Here we go.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26859
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Angela
Oh my God! Dwight!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26860