Every line from The Office season 5, episode 13, in script order. First aired February 1, 2009.
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Kelly
Dwight!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26861
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Angela
What are you-- What are you doing?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26862
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Dwight
We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26863
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Stanley
I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26864
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Michael
Hey, Stanley.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26865
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Andy
Stanley.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26866
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Michael
Are you okay?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26867
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Angela
Oh my God!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26868
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Stanley
Oh my God!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26869
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Angela
Dwight!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26870
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Dwight
Clarice?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26871
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Stanley
Oh my God!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26872
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David Wallace
Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26873
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Dwight
I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26874
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David Wallace
We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26875
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Michael
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26876
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Dwight
Wow.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26877
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Michael
Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26878
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Andy
Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26879
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Pam
We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26880
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Jim
And we don't know how.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26881
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Pam
But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26882
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Jim
Punishment fits the crime.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26883
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Jessica Alba
I want you to meet my nana. Nana...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26884
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Lily
Mmmhmm...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26885
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Jessica Alba
This is Sam.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26886
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Sam
Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26887
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Lily
Please-- Call me Lily. Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26888
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Sam
Alright... Lily.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26889
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Jim
What's going on?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26890
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Jim
Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26891
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Pam
My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26892
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Pam
He's not saying what he needs to say.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26893
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Andy
Hmm? Who? Sam?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26894
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26895
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Jim
I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26896
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Andy
Hmm.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26897
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Andy
Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26898
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Michael
Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26899
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Dwight
I have.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26900
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Michael
Let's hear it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26901
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Dwight
'I state my regret.'
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26902
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Jim
You couldn't of memorized that?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26903
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Dwight
I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26904
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Phyllis
It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26905
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Dwight
Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26906
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Pam
Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26907
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Lily
I'm in here.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26908
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Sam
I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26909
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Lily
I want you to stay.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26910
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Jim
Gimme a break.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26911
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Andy
I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26912
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Sam
Get that in there. Oh yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26913
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Lily
Get that done already.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26914
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Sam
I know but if I get it in deeper...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26915
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Jim
Can you believe this? He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26916
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Andy
Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26917
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Pam
So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26918
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Andy
You guys, they're making out.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26919
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Pam
Hey.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26920
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Jim
Hey.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26921
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Pam
Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26922
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Jim
Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26923
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Pam
[sighs]
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26924
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Jim
What?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26925
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Pam
I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26926
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Jim
Mmm...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26927
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Pam
You're good to talk to.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26928
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Jim
I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26929
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Michael
Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26930
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Michael
My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26931
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Michael
It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26932
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Jim
Don't open your eyes.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26933
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Pam
What? Oh...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26934
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Michael
And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26935
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Meredith
Chunky monkey.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26936
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Michael
Too expensive.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26937
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Stanley
Chocolate.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26938
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Michael
Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26939
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Stanley
It's my bio-feedback machine..
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26940
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Michael
Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26941
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Stanley
It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26942
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Michael
You have stress?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26943
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Stanley
Yes...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26944
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Michael
During our relaxation exercise?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26945
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Phyllis
Let me get you some water.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26946
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Michael
No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26947
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Stanley
No, Michael, No.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26948
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Michael
Let me getcha.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26949
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Stanley
Would ya, would ya step back please
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26950
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Michael
Ok, alright.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26951
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Stanley
Please. A little further.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26952
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Michael
Ok.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26953
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Stanley
That's better.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26954
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Michael
Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? Let's give this a shot.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26955
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Michael
Hellloo...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26956
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Kevin
Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26957
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Michael
So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26958
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26959
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Pam
What did you say to my dad?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26960