Every quote from The Office season 5, episode 13, in script order. First aired February 1, 2009.
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Dwight
Last week I gave a fire safety talk. And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. Today, smoking is gonna save lives.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26661
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Dwight
Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26662
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Angela
Did you bring your jerky in again?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26663
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Dwight
[clears throat]
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26664
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Pam
Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26665
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Phyllis
What--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26666
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Andy
Whoa, fire!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26667
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Dwight
Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26668
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Pam
The phones are dead.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26669
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Dwight
Oh, how did that happen?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26670
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Kevin
It's out in the hall.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26671
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Dwight
No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26672
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Michael
Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26673
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Dwight
What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26674
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Michael
Stay calm!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26675
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Dwight
Wait, wait, wait.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26676
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Michael
Everyone, now calm down!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26677
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Dwight
No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26678
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Michael
What does warm mean?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26679
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Everyone
Oh my God.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26680
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Dwight
Not a viable option.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26681
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Pam
Try a different door.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26682
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Dwight
Okay, what's next?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26683
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Michael
Don't run.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26684
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Dwight
Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26685
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Andy
It-- it's warm.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26686
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Dwight
Well, uh, another option.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26687
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Jim
Back door.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26688
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Dwight
Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26689
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Phyllis
Oh! I forgot my purse.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26690
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Stanley
Leave it woman!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26691
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Michael
Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26692
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Dwight
Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26693
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Oscar
Ah! My hand! That's hot!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26694
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Andy
Aah! This ones hot too!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26695
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Michael
Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26696
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Dwight
Okay, let's go.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26697
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Everyone
Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26698
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Dwight
Calm, please
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26699
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Andy
Get out of the way!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26700
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Dwight
Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26701
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Andy
Move it!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26702
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Dwight
Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26703
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Angela
It's okay. Shh shhh.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26704
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Dwight
A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26705
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Angela
Oscar.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26706
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Dwight
What's next?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26707
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Angela
Oscar!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26708
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Oscar
Stay alive! I'm getting help!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26709
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Angela
Pull me up!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26710
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Oscar
You're too heavy!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26711
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Angela
I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! Oh!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26712
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Dwight
How about 911? Anyone? 911.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26713
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Pam
What do we do?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26714
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Dwight
Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26715
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Jim
Okay, I am not dying here. Come on.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26716
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Angela
What is that? What is that?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26717
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Andy
The fire's shooting at us!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26718
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Phyllis
What in the name of God is going on?!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26719
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Andy
Yes! Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26720
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Phyllis and Creed
Ahhhh!!!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26721
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Andy
Go, go, go, go, go!!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26722
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Michael
Help!! Help!!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26723
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Stanley
I'm about to die!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26724
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Dwight
Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26725
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Jim
What?!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26726
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Dwight
Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. So, what have we learned? Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26727
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Michael
No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26728
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Jim
No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26729
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Michael
He's going to swallow is tongue.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26730
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Jim
No. Michael. Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26731
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Michael
Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26732
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Jim
Michael! Michael!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26733
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Michael
Leave me al--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26734
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Andy
You're choking him!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26735
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Michael
Saving him!
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26736
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David Wallace
How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26737
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Dwight
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26738
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Michael
Electricity.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26739
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Dwight
Shampoo.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26740
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David Wallace
You could have burned down the whole building.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26741
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Dwight
I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26742
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Lawyer
Did you shout, 'Fire!', causing a panic?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26743
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Dwight
Yes I shouted 'fire!'. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26744
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Michael
Hed. Hedded
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26745
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Dwight
When no one hedded--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26746
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Michael
Take hedded of.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26747
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Dwight
N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26748
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Michael
Heed. Heed.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26749
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Dwight
So, you--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26750
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Michael
Take heed of.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26751
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Dwight
And, well, I don't see my co-workers--
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26752
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Michael
Take heed of.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26753
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Dwight
Hee-heeding this right now.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26754
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Lawyer
Wh--what?
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26755
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Michael
Okay. This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26756
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David Wallace
No, we are mad.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26757
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Michael
Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26758
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David Wallace
No, we're not.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26759
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Michael
I am not a mind reader, David.
Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26760