Every line from The Office season 3, episode 23, in script order. First aired May 17, 2007.
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Hunter
Okay.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16728
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Michael
Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, 'Brbrbrbrbr!' also?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16729
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Dwight
You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16730
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Pam
Thank you.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16731
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Dwight
I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16732
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Pam
Really?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16733
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Dwight
Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16734
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Pam
You will be your own assistant.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16735
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Dwight
Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16736
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Pam
Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager,
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16737
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Dwight
Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16738
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Pam
Mm-hmm.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16739
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Dwight
Do you accept?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16740
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Pam
Absolutely, I do.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16741
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Pam
I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16742
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Michael
Hello, hello!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16743
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David
Michael, good to see you!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16744
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Michael
Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16745
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David
Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16746
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Michael
Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16747
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David
Okay. And your strengths?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16748
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Michael
Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16749
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David
Oh. Yes. Very good.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16750
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Michael
Thank you.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16751
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David
Very good.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16752
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Phyllis
Dwight is our new boss.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16753
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Oscar
Oh, Michael's not going anywhere.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16754
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Pam
Then who do you think will get the job?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16755
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Kevin
Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16756
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Phyllis
I think it's gonna be Michael.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16757
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Oscar
Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16758
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Phyllis
No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16759
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Oscar
Mm. Yeah.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16760
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Dwight
Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16761
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Pam
What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16762
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Dwight
Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16763
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Oscar
So ten
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16764
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Dwight
Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16765
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Stanley
Amen.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16766
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Dwight
Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16767
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Kevin
Do we have to?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16768
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Dwight
Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.' Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16769
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Pam
I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16770
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David
What do you think we could be doing better?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16771
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Michael
I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, 'Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!' I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, 'Super Duper Paper. It's super duper.' I don't know, something like that.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16772
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David
Okay!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16773
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Michael
Okay.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16774
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David
Thanks for comin' in, Michael.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16775
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Michael
Thank you.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16776
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David
It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16777
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Michael
It is always a treat when
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16778
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David
You're back together.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16779
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Michael
Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16780
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David
Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16781
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Michael
I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16782
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David
No, we're letting Jan go.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16783
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Dwight
Listen up. Let's start... from the ground
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16784
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Kevin
Trees.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16785
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Dwight
Trees! And where do trees grow?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16786
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Kevin
Forest.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16787
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Dwight
Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16788
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Stanley
Liquid.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16789
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Dwight
Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16790
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Stanley
I don't want it.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16791
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Dwight
Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16792
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Stanley
Make it 100.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16793
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Dwight
We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16794
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Stanley
No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16795
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Dwight
What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16796
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Stanley
The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16797
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Dwight
Okay---
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16798
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Andy
That's it!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16799
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Dwight
What---
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16800
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Andy
Class is canceled, everybody out!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16801
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Dwight
No wait, what are you doing?!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16802
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Andy
I'm punishing them.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16803
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Dwight
No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16804
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Everyone
[grumbling, getting loud]
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16805
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Pam
HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16806
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Oscar
What--- What are you winking for?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16807
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Dwight
Zip your lid!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16808
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Karen
So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16809
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David
Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but...
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16810
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Karen
Yeah?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16811
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David
...what do you think about Michael Scott?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16812
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Karen
He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16813
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David
This is off the record.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16814
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Karen
He would be disaster.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16815
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Jan
Hey you!
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16816
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Michael
Hey.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16817
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Jan
How was your interview?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16818
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Michael
Pretty good.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16819
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Jan
Yeah?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16820
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Michael
Could have gone better I guess.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16821
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Jan
Oh. I'll put in a good word for you.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16822
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Michael
Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16823
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Jan
What?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16824
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Michael
Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16825
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Jan
What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there?
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16826
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Michael
I can't tell you.
Season 3 · Episode 23 · Line 16827