Michael

Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, 'Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.' Makes you feel good.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9078

Jim

Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9079

Dwight

I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9080

Pam

It's a nice tux.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9081

Dwight

I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9082

Roy

So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9083

Pam

Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9084

Dwight

Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9085

Jim

I can always kind of win at roulette.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9086

Dwight

Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9087

Jim

Yeah.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9088

Dwight

How would you do that?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9089

Jim

Mind control.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9090

Dwight

You can't be serious. Are you serious?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9091

Jim

Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9092

Dwight

I don't believe you. Continue.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9093

Jim

It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9094

Dwight

That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9095

Jim

Okay, I'll try.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9096

Dwight

Oh, my God.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9097

Michael

I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9098

Jan

Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9099

Michael

Top 80 percent!

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9100

Jan

Michael?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9101

Michael

Yeah?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9102

Jan

You know that I'm very serious here.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9103

Michael

Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9104

Jan

What?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9105

Michael

Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9106

Jan

I thought that you were their fearless leader.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9107

Michael

I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9108

Jan

I think you can handle it.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9109

Michael

Oh, come on. Come on.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9110

Jan

I think so, Michael...

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9111

Michael

You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9112

Jan

Goodbye, Michael.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9113

Michael

Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9114

Michael

Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9115

Oscar

Again? We do that every year.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9116

Michael

Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9117

Oscar

It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9118

Michael

Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9119

Dwight

Yes!

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9120

Michael

So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9121

Jim

That doesn't exist anymore.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9122

Michael

Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9123

Pam

No, they stopped making that show.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9124

Michael

Well, then, they need our money more than ever.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9125

Angela

You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9126

Creed

There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9127

Kevin

Something with animals. Or people.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9128

Kelly

Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. Maybe he did it.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9129

Angela

We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9130

Michael

Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9131

Toby

Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9132

Michael

Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9133

Jim

I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9134

Michael

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9135

Phyllis

Afghani.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9136

Michael

What?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9137

Phyllis

Afghani.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9138

Michael

That's a dog.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9139

Pam

No, that's Afghan.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9140

Michael

That's a shawl.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9141

Dwight

Wait, canine AIDS?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9142

Michael

No. Humans with AIDS.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9143

Creed

Who has AIDS?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9144

Jim

Guys, the Afghanistananies.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9145

Michael

Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9146

Michael

There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9147

Jim

What are you doing?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9148

Pam

Oh, nothing.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9149

Jim

Till Death Do Us Rock.'

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9150

Pam

They're wedding bands.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9151

Jim

Oh.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9152

Pam

Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9153

Jim

Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9154

Pam

There's a KISS cover band in here.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9155

Jim

Let's do it.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9156

Pam

I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9157

Jim

Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9158

Michael

I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9159

Darryl

Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9160

Michael

It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9161

Darryl

Except my warehouse.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9162

Michael

Well, actually, it's my warehouse.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9163

Dwight

Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9164

Michael

Why are you here?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9165

Dwight

When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9166

Michael

Not. I said, not that.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9167

Darryl

We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9168

Michael

That's ironic.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9169

Darryl

What?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9170

Michael

That you are afraid.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9171

Darryl

Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9172

Michael

Dinkin' flicka.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9173

Darryl

Dinkin' flicka.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9174

Darryl

I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, 'Fleece it out.' 'Going mach five.' 'Dinkin' flicka.' You know, things us Negroes say.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9175

Michael

Give me some.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9176

Darryl

Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Season 2 · Episode 22 · Line 9177

"Casino Night" Quotes