Every line from The Office season 9, episode 16, in script order. First aired February 14, 2013.
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Pam
Hello?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57360
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Jim
Hey! Back here.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57361
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Pam
Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57362
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Jim
Si, senor.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57363
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Pam
Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn't get the job.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57364
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Jim
Oh man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57365
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Pam
Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57366
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Jim
Are you kidding? We're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57367
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Pam
You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57368
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Jim
Alright. So, tell me all about it.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57369
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Dwight
Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57370
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Angela
It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. Dwight, Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57371
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Dwight
Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57372
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Angela
No, Dwight. The Senator.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57373
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Dwight
Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57374
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Angela
I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57375
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Dwight
I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57376
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Angela
I made a vow. I gave my word.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57377
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Dwight
Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57378
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Angela
Good night, D.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57379
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Erin
How are you doing? Is it really rough?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57380
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Pete
It is so unpleasant. You?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57381
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Andy
Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57382
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Andy
Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57383
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Gabe
Honestly, it was a little weird.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57384
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Andy
Really? Hmm. That's interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57385
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Gabe
I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we're still in a relationship-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57386
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Erin
Gabe!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57387
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Gabe
...a lot of the time.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57388
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Andy
And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57389
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Pete
Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57390
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Alice
Ok, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57391
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Pete
It was college. That is what you do.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57392
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Alice
Yeah you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57393
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Erin
Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57394
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Andy
We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57395
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Gabe
Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57396
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Erin
Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57397
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Gabe
I got a tattoo for you.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57398
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Erin
I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57399
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Gabe
Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57400
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Alice
So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57401
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Pete
She's nice to me.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57402
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Alice
How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57403
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Erin
Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57404
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Gabe
I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57405
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Pete
Oh my god.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57406
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Gabe
What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57407
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Pete
Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57408
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Gabe
Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57409
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Pete
No!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57410
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Gabe
Erin, are you even hearing this?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57411
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Erin
He didn't even say that.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57412
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Alice
He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can't even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57413
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Gabe
Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57414
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Erin
Gabe, I don't-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57415
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Gabe
Give me one night with you...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57416
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Erin
What is that supposed to mean?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57417
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Gabe
I have shaved everything...
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57418
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Erin
I don't want you to shave everything.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57419
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Alice
I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57420
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Pete
I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57421
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Gabe
I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues]
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57422
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Pete
Why don't you say in the beginning: 'This isn't really going that well'
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57423
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Gabe
Shove his sashimi!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57424
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Erin
What do you-!
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57425
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Alice
Because I had to wait-
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57426
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Andy
Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? Yeah. Yeah, it does.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57427
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Pam
So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57428
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Jim
Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57429
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Pam
Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57430
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Jim
You're definitely hoarding this by the way.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57431
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Pam
Guess what poster he had on his wall?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57432
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Jim
Austin Powers.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57433
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Pam
MmMm.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57434
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Jim
Ferris Bueller.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57435
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Pam
MmMm. You're getting colder.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57436
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Jim
Not Night at the Roxbury.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57437
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Pam
No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57438
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Jim
I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57439
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Pam
I don't know, but it's interesting right?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57440
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Jim
It's fascinating.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57441
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Pam
He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57442
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Jim
That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57443
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Pam
Mmhm.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57444
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Jim
So, next interview has to be better.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57445
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Pam
I don't know.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57446
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Jim
What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57447
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Pam
I know. It's just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don't know, I don't know if I want, um, I don't know if I want this.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57448
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Jim
Huh. This is a little out of left field.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57449
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Pam
Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57450
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Jim
And I have started a business in Philadelphia.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57451
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Oscar's Computer
My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57452
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Oscar
You could all be doing this, just saying.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57453
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Oscar
I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57454
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Stanley
Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57455
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Oscar
I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that's how you win. Alright Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57456
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Kevin
Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57457
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Oscar
Can someone please help me?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57458
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Phyllis
Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please?
Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57459